


Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future

by SiriusNebulae



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Victorian, Casual Intimacy, Colonialism, Come Marking, Come Swallowing, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Hair-pulling, Hand Jobs, Hands, Heart of gold!Nico?, Hints of Nico's past, Humor, I was inspired by the comments! this will now be a chapter fic!, Imperialism, Kinda, Kissing, London, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Nico's History is finally revealed!!, Nile (a child), Nile is a child that is adopted!, Off-screen Minor Character Death, Old Guard runs an orphanage, Oral Sex, Penetrative Sex, Pickpockets, Poetry, Quynh - Freeform, Sex, So much flirting, THE INFAMOUS PLOT BEGINS, The gang's all here! Andy, Victorian, WHAT DOES THE LETTER SAY????, booker - Freeform, discussions of boundaries, disease/illness referenced, flirt!nicolo, i lied there are sexy times referenced but not between nico/yusuf, indecency alluded, long hair nico and yusuf, major p&p vibes happening!, mention of sex workers (in relation to how amazing they are (called sex workers in the fic)), nico has so many pet names and love for yusuf, rating change! to M bc sexier thoughts! (still no sexy times), running in the rain, scholar!yusuf, sexy times and kissing coming soon (probs chapters 4&5) :D, they rly love each other but man can they be foolish somedays, tw for children/yusuf being a father/raising Nile, womanizer!nicolo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:20:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26394046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiriusNebulae/pseuds/SiriusNebulae
Summary: "You can call me Nico, or whatever else your heart desires." He sat back and pulled his hand away slowly, fingers trailing over Yusuf's sensually."I've the feeling that that is not your name, the same as mine is not." Yusuf said quietly."Like I said, the English bastardize everything." A sardonic smile, a shake of a head. "A rose by any other name...""Will die just the same," Yusuf finished.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 203
Kudos: 248





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from quote by Oscar Wilde (yes he's shitty, also wrote dorian gray unfortunately)  
> colonialism/imperialism tags are for brief mentions, not anything deep or violent

  
Books surrounded Yusuf on the table, open pages and cracked spines almost hiding him from site in the large academic library. His plan of spending his days reading and learning as much as he could, was going perfectly. He disliked London and the English colonists immensely, but he would only admit that their libraries were so good due to their theft and pillaging. No matter that it was the turn of the century, with 1900 fast approaching, he still only found solace and excitement in the books he devoured. 

Not to say his life was boring per se, he had an easy job at a clock repair shop- something that both was calm, rewarding, and kept him engaged- and a nice small room at a boarding house for traveling scholars. He rarely spent any time there, his night hours spent in the library and his day hours at the clock shop. His days off were also spent at the library, of course. 

Today, a warm yet cloudy summer day, he was again in the library. He couldn't help but smirk knowing that his frequency had been noted by the regular patrons (whether unconscious or not, he couldn't say), and it meant his table in the back corner by the window was always open. He would be more at home if he could just leave his books on the table when he left, knowing he could come back to his exact places in the books. 

He pushed his sleeves up once more, the white cloth almost sticking to his skin with the humidity inside the library. The pages and his hair were both curling incessantly; he only noticed when a strand would fall into his view and he would need to brush it back. He deeply wished he could unbutton his vest just a smidge to cool down, but the idea of breaking propriety in such a public place made him blush with both shame and heat. Even though no one would be able to see him in his back corner, hidden by the shelves as he was, he continued to still his fingers from reaching up to his clothes. He would just have to be content with his sleeves being rolled up, unfortunately tight on his upper arms. 

He had been reading for many hours, his books ranging from the history of Rome, travel methods and vehicles from different countries, and many treatises written by old white men who believed themselves 'explorers.' He did not enjoy reading such things, but they were some of the only written reports of different peoples and places (again, curse the English and European penchant for rampant violence and colonialism). He moved between books with unnatural grace, attention never wavering as topics melted together and different information was strung together to grow in combination and arguments. 

The tapping of shoes nearby was not enough to distract, but it was enough for him to take notice and hope that they would soon leave his section of the library. He did not need the distractions, nor the people who came back here to 'meet' each other and only flee when they saw him. He gave a decently loud cough, never looking away from the page, to alert and encourage people to move on. 

The footsteps, instead of retreating, started towards him. 

Maybe he had a book they needed? Never had someone chose to approach him, for a book or not. If anything, most people, upon seeing him buried in books and with his hair sticking everywhere and ink smeared on his hands, would head very far away. He tried to ignore the steps coming closer, his focus on the page finally breaking when he heard the chair across from him scrape the floor as it was pulled out. 

A soft laugh made him look up. 

A man, around his age, if he had to guess, was sitting in front of him casually, legs spread indecently wide and an arm thrown over the back of his chair as if he had not a care in the world, as though he had been born in the library and considered it his home now, and Yusuf just happened to have interrupted a private moment. His hair was long, not long like his (which he sometimes tied behind his head), but enough to show that he knew what the social etiquette was, and that he had no desire to follow it. In the same way, his clothes were just a little too impolite; a little too tight, a little too bright, and a little too open. Yusuf envied the open vest buttons the man sported, as well as the untied ascot hanging from under his collar. 

He barely registered that he had been staring until he met amused eyes and a smirk stretched across pink lips. 

"Like what you see?" The man drawled, words crisp and languid in places that made him sound both elegant and obscene. Again, this man knew exactly what the rules were, and cared not a lick for them. 

Yusuf coughed, awkwardly looking at the books before him before looking back up at the man. 

"How can I help you?" Yusuf asked, confusion about being interrupted coming back to the forefront of his mind. "Do I have a book you are interested in?"

The man laughed again, not breaking eye contact as he looked Yusuf over. "I wouldn't say you had a _book_ I was interested in."

Frowning in confusion, Yusuf blinked a few times trying to figure out what the man meant. Through the haze of the words and knowledge swirling around his head, he looked the other man over again. Indecent clothing, relaxed debauched posture, and a smirk that showed just a flash of teeth.

Ah. 

This man was flirting with him. Yusuf almost laughed out loud at that. Who came to the library to seduce people? Who came to the library, found the most recessed corner, and tried to seduce someone with half the library's books in front of them? 

It's not to say the man isn't seductive, he truly is, and Yusuf can appreciate that, as well as the confidence that drives such a man to pull up a chair to his table and flirt outrageously. To another man, no less. If they had been anywhere else, maybe Yusuf would have gone with him, indulged in a fun night that would leave him breathless and relaxed the next morning. Ships passing in the night to never meet again. 

But they weren't somewhere else, and Yusuf wasn't sure about the other man, about his agenda here. It seemed too specific to be a coincidence. 

"Do you have a question I can help you with, then?" Yusuf ask, playing up his obliviousness. "I apologize for the search you must have suffered to find me back here, especially if your question is urgent." 

The man chuckled and leaned back, not missing a step with Yusuf's response. "You are right," he began, grabbing one of the books and lazily beginning to flip through it, "it was not the easiest to find you. But, as they say, you must work for what you want." 

"And what is that, what you want?" 

Chuckling again, the man shrugged and appraised Yusuf again. "Whatever you're willing to give, of course."

Yusuf could barely hold back a laugh at the outrageous man before him who was very intent on flirting with him. Who knows why. He'd play along for now, have some fun before having to walk back to his room later. 

"My name is Joseph," he smiled and put his hand out for a handshake. 

"Come now," the man smiled conspiratorially and grabbed Yusuf's hand. His hand was a bit smaller than Yusuf's, and had callouses that meant he worked with his hands- unexpected given his air of a socialite and old money. "I know that's not your real name, the English bastardizes all it touches." He began to rub his thumb against the back of Yusuf's hand slowly. "Grace me with what I can call you; and I shall return the favor and more."

Swallowing thickly, Yusuf knew he was in trouble. Yes, he had said he was going to play along, but this man was _good_ at what he did. That, or Yusuf had been touched starved for so long that the feeling of a strong hand wrapped around his made his brain derail and start to thing about what else that strong hand could be wrapped around, if-

"Yusuf-" he choked out, trying to look away from that intense stare. "My name is Yusuf." 

"And what a beautiful name that is," the man kept eye contact as he leaned down to brush a kiss to Yusuf's hand. His lips and breath were warm, his grip strong and solid- Yusuf could barely think anymore. This is not what he had intended by playing along, falling for the man was not good. 

"You can call me Nico, or whatever else your heart desires." He sat back and pulled his hand away slowly, fingers trailing over Yusuf's sensually. 

"I've the feeling that that is not your name, the same as mine is not." Yusuf said quietly.

"Like I said, the English bastardize everything." A sardonic smile, a shake of a head. "A rose by any other name..." 

"Will die just the same," Yusuf finished.

Nico laughed, tossing his head back in surprise. Good thing they were in the back of the library, where the noise would pass unnoticed. 

"Of course," Nico smiled at Yusuf, possibly the first honest smile Yusuf had seen from him. "I knew there was a reason I was drawn to you." 

"My poor wit?" 

"I'd call it a sharp mind and tongue." Nico licked his lips and Yusuf could barely look away, entranced. What would that feel like against his-

"Enjoying the view?" 

Yusuf startled at the question, blushing at the smirk on Nico's face that did nothing to belie the amusement in his eyes. He cleared his throat awkwardly, running a hand through his hair absently. 

"No- well, no more than I would anything else so out of place."

"That's the best you can do, love? I expected a more cutting remark, possibly some guilt and denial." Nico was testing him, wanting to see what Yusuf would do. There had been very little reason Nico had chosen to sit down at this table and begin to flirt outrageously; he had just wanted to have some fun. He didn't expect to like beautiful man surrounded by books, didn't expect the wide eyes, pink cheeks, and sharp tongue. No, Nico hadn't known he would stumble upon such an interesting character today. 

"I've no guilt," Yusuf assured, "and I can see you do not either."

"That is true," Nico shrugged easily. "Guilt does not get me what I want."

"And what is that?"

A wicked smile. "Like I said before, caro mio, whatever you're willing to give." 

Yusuf sat back with an assessing gaze, a small frown on his face. Nico waited patiently under that gaze, body relaxed and eyes calmly meeting Yusuf's. He would get nothing if he pushed Yusuf too fast too soon. He hadn't expected to care this much when he had first sat down; had just wanted to see if he could charm him into his bed, if possible. Not find a kindred soul, someone devouring knowledge the same way he devoured knowledge of people's wants. No, Yusuf would be a longer game to play, a sweeter prize when won. And Nico was already salivating at the thought, at what Yusuf might look like in his clothes, in his arms, his bed. 

"And when will I see you again... Nico?" 

He had to repress his shiver at the sound of his name. "I will be here next week. However," he handed Yusuf his calling card, "feel free to visit in the meantime, I never turn anyone away." He winked. 

Yusuf snorted, taking the card and examining the print. _N. DeGenova. 1587 Lowry Rd, Smithfield, London._ No clear first name, not surprising. He wondered if he would ever come to know it. 

"Well," Nico stood up gracefully and adjusted his clothing. His hands ran over his chest and waistcoat, his fingers adjusted his sleeves, and he smoothed the legs of his pants. If Yusuf didn't know this man, he would assume it was an innocent act. If not for Nico's sharp eyes watching him closely. "I will take my leave, as being in your presence has tired me greatly." 

Yusuf had to laugh softly at that, almost rolling his eyes. How such a man could be both completely serious and also exaggerate to the point of amusement was beyond him. 

"Yes, I'm sure it has been a long day for you, needing to use your brain instead of relying on your looks as usual." 

"Ha!" Another unexpectedly honest smile. "And what a challenge it was." He bowed deeply, adding a comical hand twirl. "I must bid thee good day, my good sir." 

"And to you." Yusuf smiled, watching as Nico met his eyes once more before turning around and leaving his little corner of the library. He was not ashamed of watching him go, seeing that swagger. Not even when Nico looked over his shoulder and caught him staring only to smile like he had expected nothing less. No, the only thing he was ashamed of was how he could no longer focus on the books before him. His thoughts were all far away, following an entrancing stranger out of the library. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so so many of you left comments, that I was def inspired to write more bc i really love them and so do you all! 
> 
> again, I have no idea when i will update, how many chapters it will be, or when it will be finished. :D 
> 
> your comments are so nice and lovely and really inspire me to write more (as you can see lmao)! 
> 
> Like the changed tags said, the rating has been changed to Mature due to sexier thoughts! there is no sexy times (yet) and i have no idea when that will happen. As also mentioned in the new tags, we're getting some hints of Nico's backstory (like, the tiniest fucking amount but some nevertheless)!

Yusuf had been in the library for only an hour, having arrived during the early morning sunrise so he could have as much time as he wanted for reading. At barely 7am, the library was quiet and he felt alone in his own world, dust floating in the rays of sunlight, the quiet sounds of far off footsteps, and the large pile of books he had once more collected in front of him. 

Suffice to say, he was not expecting someone to come up to his table, but he had the sneaking suspicion he knew who it was. Who else would come bother him at such an early hour, when no one had even so much as interacted with him in his years coming here?

"Good morning, Yusuf." 

Nico stood in front of him, again dressed on just _this_ side of indecent. He was wearing tight riding pants (in the city no less), rolled up sleeves, a snug vest, and an ascot loose around his neck. He looked good. He looked like a distraction. He looked like he knew it. 

"Good morning, Nico." Yusuf said pleasantly, bookmarking and placing his book aside. If he had learned anything from their last meeting, it would be that he is unable to focus on reading when this man is near. "How are you, this early morning?" 

Nico smiled charmingly as he sat down in the opposite chair, leaning back casually. "All the better for seeing you, my friend." 

Yusuf chuckled and had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. "I am more surprised that you are awake at such an hour, I had the impression you are not one who rests during the night time hours." 

And oh, how he loved how Nico's eyes light up at his playful mocking. It was like sun shining on waves in the sea, captivating and almost too bright to look at for long. 

"I'll admit, you are correct," Nico smiled and gazed lazily at Yusuf and around their corner of the library. "Though, I have lost more sleep to the pain of your absence, than the warmth of bodies in my bed." He winked. 

"Hmmm, what a terrible pain that must have been." 

"Oh it was," he dramatically placed a hand over his heart. "I waited fretfully every night, one ear always open for the sound of the doorbell, footsteps on the stairs. Even over the sounds of moans and screams, I waited with baited breath." 

Yusuf couldn't help but wrinkle his nose at the description. Though crude, as almost all of Nico seemed to be, it was a nice thought. To be waited for, to be missed when not there. Not that Yusuf thought that Nico actually did, or at least not farther than a desire for a new body to warm his bed, but it was a nice aspiration nonetheless. To be wanted. To want in return.

Had he ever truly known such a feeling?

Had Nico?

"Yes, it was a terrible time." Nico continued obliviously, though his eyes were sharp on Yusuf. Was his vapidity a front or a facet? Was his flirting an instinct or finely honed tool? 

"Why did you not show, my dear?" 

Brought back to the conversation, Yusuf had to grin at the man before him. 

"Not everyone has the luxury of free time, to do whatever they wish with it." 

"Ah," a sharp smile, a tilt of the head "so you admit you would have wished to come?" 

"Hardly," Yusuf smirked. "I had neither the time nor the inclination," Yusuf lied. 

Nico gestured to the books and the library grandly. "And what do you call this? Your time spent here?"

Laughing out right, Yusuf could barely believe the audacity, the self-importance of the man in front of him. 

"You think you are worth more to me than books? That you have more to offer, to learn, to know, to _amaze_ , than what can fill an entire library?" 

"Ah," Nico smiled apologetically, giving a nod in deference. "Of course not, who could ever compete with the way you look at books, as though to devour and consume. Any person would be lucky to have that gaze turned upon them, they would surely die in bliss from that look alone." 

Blushing, Yusuf looked away. He knew what to expect (hopefully) when talking with Nico, knew to expect the flirty words, the large smiles, the indecent thoughts that bombarded his brain, the sharp eyes that took in everything. And still, Yusuf could feel the blush burning his cheeks, had to look away many many times from the man in front of him, who had sharp words to go along with a sharp mind, one who saw exactly what Yusuf wanted, saw exactly the desires that Yusuf would never say aloud. 

It was intoxicating. 

Nico could tell Yusuf was getting overwhelmed, that he had pushed far enough for one day. Though it didn't feel like a chore, not with Yusuf. No, he enjoyed himself when they talked together, when conversations felt like dances, where he was pulled close to Yusuf one moment, the next spun away with a wicked smile. When their steps matched perfectly and Nico could barely tell who was leading one moment and following the next. 

This was an indulgence. A surrender to what he truly wanted, not what he played at wanting.

A moment of true enjoyment.

Though he had exaggerated in his quips to Yusuf about his lonely nights awaiting him, it was closer to the truth than he would have liked. His thoughts had returned to him more often than not, had never left his mind if he was honest. Not when he was lounging at the window, when he was walking past book stores, when he was alone and wandering, when he was buried deep inside someone. When he came harder than ever before and it was only later, after he had ushered that night's entertainment out, that he realized his jaw ached fiercely from the name he truly wished to cry out, to lose himself in.

The irony was that he did not care. He had always prided himself on not needing anyone, of being a wandering soul and companion, and he did not expect that to ever change. Not with what he has done, not with who he was. 

And then he met Yusuf, or rather he had unknowingly stumbled on something he wanted more than anything else; knew not how to get it, would only taint it, and could never admit to needing. 

And so he played his game, spun his lovely words together like always, watched and learned what Yusuf wanted, what Nico could become for him. And yet, Yusuf was different (of course he was, in all the right ways) and didn't play along. No, if Nico wasn't careful, he would wake up one day to realize his heart had fled his body and found a home in Yusuf's chest, had escaped to a better place and left him as empty as he felt each and every day. 

He cleared his throat and ignored the storm of thoughts raging in his head. 

_"The Collected Works of Frances Ellen Watkins Harper?"_ He gestured to the book Yusuf had set down earlier. 

"Yes," Yusuf's eyes lit up. "I love her poems immensely. She is a poet, an abolitionist, a suffragist, and one of the first African American women to be published in the United States. She writes in such a way that you can understand the struggles in the world and her drive to change it all. Her words are plain, and that makes them all the more awe-inspiring for the strength she imbues them with to weave her poems, her declarations and ambitions. I love her work, I find something new each time I read them." 

Nico had to smile at the fervor and excitement in Yusuf as he gestured grandly and leaned forward as if to impart treasured words and secrets. The way the sun caught on his long curls, lit up his face, dazzled Nico. This man was beautiful, made all the more so when impassioned. 

No, Nico could now see he was not worth more than books to Yusuf. Not even close. 

"Would you indulge an unread man in a poem?" 

Yusuf paused and looked at him. Nico hoped his face showed the sincerity with which he had asked. He was never this serious, never this open to anyone in his life, especially not the recently known, no matter how well met. 

If he wasn't so captivated by Yusuf, he would be unsettled by how easy this man broke down his defenses without even knowing. 

"I have the feeling you are not such an unread man as you proclaim yourself to be," Yusuf offered a small smile. 

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," Nico returned the smile. 

Yusuf huffed a laugh and picked up the book. "Of course not."

Nico could only smile as Yusuf shifted in his seat, getting comfortable and opening the book carefully. As if it was to be treasured. 

Sitting in the early sunlight, warmth suffused Nico. Was it the sunlight shining on them both? The beauty and love of the man before him? Was it his stolen moments of being seen? 

It did not matter. 

Sitting with Yusuf's clear voice reading poetry in the empty library, a far cry from what his life normally was, Nico felt like he could be anyone in that moment. 

He was the flirt, the vagabond, the eternal actor, the hidden dreamer, the lost boy, and the enamored lover. 

Everything was possible, listening to Yusuf. Whoever Nico was, was enough. In that moment, he did not have to be anything, did not have to be anybody. It was enough to listen and to adore. 

_"_ _Let me make the songs for the people,_   
_Songs for the old and young;_   
_Songs to stir like a battle-cry_   
_Wherever they are sung._   
  
_Not for the clashing of sabres,_   
_For carnage nor for strife;_   
_But songs to thrill the hearts of men_   
_With more abundant life."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem read by Yusuf is a real poem by the real person (Frances Ellen Watkins Harper) he mentioned and you can find it here: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/58442/songs-for-the-people  
> I could not find what book/manifest she published that poem in specifically, so the book title is Totally Made Up by me and should not be used lol.   
> I super appreciate kudos', comments, sharing my fic, anything really! You're all so lovely and I'm so glad ppl are enjoying this fic! <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!! I have great news:  
> I FINALLY HAVE A PLOT FOR THIS.   
> I know, i'm super excited. i've already written parts (not the ones i need to be rip, ones further along) and the major plot points :D :D (for those who rly want to know, i think next chapter will have kissing, the one after that sex). the story will also have the stereotypical 3rd part of the story is sad/conflict! it's waaaay more pride and prejudice than expected but i love love it so we're running with it :D  
> some regular, tame nsfw thoughts in this chapter, but not as overt as the last few

He didn't want to admit it, but Nico had thoroughly invaded his thoughts. Every morning when he went to the library and sat at his spot, he couldn't help but keep an eye out for windswept hair and a soft, deep voice. Every time he heard footsteps nearby, he would lose his focus as he waited to see if they would come closer, pull out the chair, and gracefully slouch and smile at him. 

This annoying, charming man had wormed his way into his life, however minutely, and Yusuf had been out of step since then. 

He blamed the poetry. 

Seeing the way Nico had asked, as though he thought to be rebuffed and was playing it off with wit, seeing the way his eyes closed as he listened, the way his body lost a fraction of his preformed casualness. He was beautiful. 

Yusuf was entranced. The many contradictions in the man alone were enough for his brain to turn over every conversation they'd ever had. His sharp gaze, sinful smile, and indecent clothes created a puzzle that Yusuf wanted to solve, wanted to pull apart and figure out who the man really was. 

With every conversation, and there had been many, Yusuf got more and more intrigued by Nico, more and more drawn into his gravity. 

If Yusuf wasn't still trying to pretend that he was unaffected, or at least, not as affected as he truly was, he would've done something by now. If society wasn't what it was, he would've done the things he wanted by now. If Nico wasn't such an enigma, he would've followed him home already.

"Heavy thoughts?" A voice interrupted. 

Speak of the devil, and he shall arrive. 

Nico. 

"No more than usual," Yusuf replied, blinking away from his book into the sunlight. He had been reading his book on the lawn out front of the library in an attempt to enjoy the sunlight and warm weather. Nico stood with the sun behind him, with his hip cocked and a sharp smirk. "Just a poor man pondering the ways of the universe."

"Of course," Nico laughed and laid down on the grass with his hands behind his head, eyes closed and smirk still present. 

He looked beautiful in the sunlight, hair splayed out on the ground and sunlight highlighting the angles of his face, the shape of his body. His vest and shirt had pulled higher when he had laid down, and a small section of his skin was visible now, pink skin pulled taught over his muscles with soft, brown hair peeking out from his waistband. Yusuf wanted to put his hand there, wanted to feel the compactness, the heat of his body, how he would tremble beneath his fingertips, skin flushing with heat and breath catching. He _wanted-_

"A poor man in wealth," Nico interrupted, "but a rich one in knowledge- is he truly poor? Is it not enough to live a full life?"

Yusuf looked up quickly, not wanting to be caught day dreaming about a patch of skin accidentally (was it really an accident, though?) revealed, but was apparently not quick enough. Nico was smiling innocently, but his eyes showed that he knew what Yusuf was thinking, that he had caught Yusuf out, had seen the hunger in his eyes as he drunk in Nico's body. 

Yusuf had to look away quickly to hide his blush, but it didn't stop his teasing reply. "Is an indecent flirt and a rich man such as yourself even able to philosophize on such matters?" 

"Oh-" Nico closed his eyes as if in pain, hand placed over his heart dramatically. "You wound me! An attack on my character no less, made all the more painful by such a sharp tongue!" He licked his lips, and felt smug as Yusuf's eyes followed the movement. 

Like their last few meetings, Nico was overcome with satisfaction as Yusuf became more and more comfortable with him, became less hesitant, more open with his thoughts and words, would spin tales and pull such feelings from dull pages in a way that made Nico want to listen to him for hours. With each and every tease from Nico, Yusuf was slowly permitting himself to look, to tentatively touch, to dream just a little. Enough for Nico to carry each and every look with him on the days they did not meet, during the long nights when he looked at the night sky and wondered about his life-

Nico wanted him. 

He had wanted him when they first met, and every meeting after that, the feeling grew and grew. It was unprecedented, he had never felt this way before. Yes, he enjoyed each and every person he brought home, any willing person who wanted to be loved, wanted to be the sole focus for a night. He gave himself over piece by piece to these people, with the mutual understanding that they would part at sunrise.

But Yusuf.

Yusuf, he had found in the sunlight, had found shining bright, who warmed him like the sun never could. Yusuf made him want to pay attention to him, dive into him, love him unconditionally, timelessly, endlessly. 

He made him question who he even was, when he was not with him. 

Aspects of his life that he had carefully sewn to one another, curtains and smoke screens that he had fashioned into himself, was that who he was? Was he just as ephemeral and cobbled together as he performed? Would Yusuf even love him in return, if given the impossible chance? 

Was he worth loving?

"My friend," Yusuf interrupted, and Nico was surprised to find that Yusuf had moved closer, had a warm hand tentatively resting on his forearm and concern written on his face. "Are you alright?" 

"Of course, my darling," he couldn't look away from Yusuf's eyes, not when he wanted to drown in them, wanted to be seen and beheld. Not when he felt more alive, like he had finally woken from a befuddled sleep, a muddled dream. He could not think through the light touch, the bright ecstasy, of Yusuf's hand on his arm. "I am always alright when I am in your presence." 

He could tell that Yusuf thought his words empty flirting; didn't comprehend just how truthful the words were, how deep down in Nico's chest those words had come from. 

"If you are sure," Yusuf hesitated before pulling back once more, missing Nico's brief look of longing. He cleared his throat before grabbing his book once more. If Nico said he was fine, Yusuf would have to trust his word. Though he had grown to care for the man, more than ever expected, he still wasn't sure how much of Nico's actions were true versus cultivated. 

"I am," Nico said softly, gazing at the side of Yusuf's face. He was beautiful. "What have you brought us today?" 

_"Us?"_ He laughed; the confidence of this man was astounding and hilarious some days. "I've brought _myself_ a book, you are just a nuisance who comes to bother me." 

"And still, you've yet to tell me to leave." 

"As if I thought telling you to do things would ever work." 

"Depends on where we are, Yusuf." He smirked. "I would follow every instruction, every whim, do anything you said if you were in my bed." He winked.

Yusuf didn't even try to stop himself from rolling his eyes. "You utter cad. I don't know why I even talk with you." 

That was a lie. He knew exactly why. Because this man was charming, because Yusuf was lonely, because Yusuf wanted to be looked at like something valuable, like something to be cherished, because this man found conversation like the game Yusuf played it as, because Yusuf _wanted_ this.

"It's my dashingly good looks," said Nico with a flourish. He moved around so that his head rested on Yusuf's thigh, trying not to show how nervous he was about such a move, about silently asking Yusuf if he could just be a bit closer, was worthy to share his space. "Now, since you have been bewitched by my good looks, read to me." 

"And a pompous ruler, we find." Yet, laughing, Yusuf's hands still found their way to Nico's long hair, absently combing through while he opened his book. If he had been asked that morning if he ever thought he would be reading poetry in the sunshine, a beautiful man on his lap who he could touch with such care, he would have surely protested the possibility. 

And yet, here he was. Here Nico was, laid out before him, eyes closed and a small smile on his face. Yusuf wanted to kiss him. Wanted to lean down and feel that smile, see what Nico's words tasted like on his lips, if he would kiss with the ease with which he flirted. He wanted to feel his warmth, be closer to Nico, be privileged to kiss and touch whenever and wherever.

Would it truly be a 'privilege,' when Nico continued to have many people stroll through his bed each and every night?

If Yusuf asked to be the only one, would Nico agree? Could he even ask that of the man?

A questioning noise interrupted his thoughts, and he looked down to see Nico glancing up at him with a small furrow between his eyebrows.

"Apologies, I was just lost in thought." He answered, reassuringly beginning to pet Nico's hair again. "Let's see, where was I?" He looked down at his book and tried to ignore the large, lovely distraction in his lap. It was impossible, really. He wasn't sure he even wanted to. "Ah, here we are." 

_"the words flow like rivers from lips,_   
_in careful hums and forceful utterings._   
_my love,_   
_the nature of you is the nature of me._   
_i step on wet stones, laughing_   
_holding tight_   
_your love, your light, your life._   
_my feelings grow like weeds,_   
_vibrant and encompassing,_   
_overtaking-_   
_what i would_   
_to forever live, kneeling_   
_at your muddied feet."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poem is by me for my love Gati! :D 
> 
> i super appreciate comments, kudos', and recs! I'm on tumblr at the same name, feel free to come scream at me!!! :D   
> I reply to all comments bc i love them and i love you all <3
> 
> like i said, i've a plot now so i'm super hyped to write more and more of this! (also gonna update the tags some more)  
> (i may or may not begin another fucking AU and WIP soon, but around andy/quynh (spoiler lmao) :D)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! So this chapter is really long, as well as finally gets to them kissing and making out! Because of this, amongst other things, I have a lot more warnings/tags to go over. (Sorry it will be a bit of long note).
> 
> First, I'm changing the rating to E because it's going to change next chapter with sex, but also because I feel like it's time to go up a bit :) 
> 
> Second bigger one, there are mentions of sex workers (called sex workers in the fic) in relation to them being amazing, underappreciated hard-workers. There are also allusions to Nico possibly being a sex worker when he was an adult (ages 18-24; I haven't figured out the exact ages) but it is when he is an adult and all consensual. The only possible issues Nico would face would be the deadly anti-gay sex laws, which do not exist in this story. 
> 
> If you would like to skip over all mentions of sex workers and possibly Nico being one in the past, stop here: "They continued to laugh as they walked in the busy throng, faces flush and smiles easy." and begin again here: "Before Yusuf could reply to Nico's teasing, he saw something out of the corner of his eye, just beyond Nico's legs." (message me here or on tumblr if you need more info/want to talk.)
> 
> There is a spoilered scene that involves Yusuf and Nico (nothing nsfw, or bad at all), it looks like Yusuf is kinda a jerk to an OC, but he is not! Please remember he is lovely! (More in the notes)
> 
> Lastly, like I mentioned, WE HAVE THE KISSING (and intense make out with associated nsfw thoughts). Everything is consensual, boundaries are clearly stated and respected, and nothing happens below the belt. There is one quick kiss before the make out. If you would like to skip the make out, stop here: "Do you-" Nico broke off quietly, intently looking back at Yusuf. He was blushing slightly. "Do you want more?" and start here: "Of course," Yusuf laughed again, stepping forward to help adjust Nico's vest. "How could I forget your big head, so inflated by your ego?" 
> 
> THANKS FOR READING ALL OF THIS   
> I hope you enjoy the chapter and the kissing!

Nico was sitting on the steps to the library, legs spread out and head tilted back in the sunlight of the early afternoon. It was a warm day out, with a cooling breeze that made his hair try and escape his ribbon holding it back. It was an amazing day to be outdoors, to just bask and take everything in. 

He was waiting for Yusuf, of course. Their meetings had become more and more frequent, more and more intimate, personal. With everything he learned about Yusuf, the more he fell for him. The more he wanted to give up everything to this man, who deserved more than he could ever give. 

He loved him. 

With each meeting, each passing glance, each fleeting touch, his life became consumed by thoughts of Yusuf. What was he doing when they were apart? What did he think of when he looked to the stars? Did he know the words of his favorite book by heart?

_What would he sound like when kissed, when touched, when held, when fucked-_

Did he ever think of Nico?

God, he hoped so. 

_What would he look like on his knees, spread out on the bed, bent over a desk? Would he moan, cry, **beg?**_

He startled when a small cough came from behind him. Opening his eyes, he saw that it was just the man he had been fantasizing about. 

Yusuf was just as beautiful as always, curly hair swept back in a ribbon, eyes crinkling with his big smile, and book clasped in hand. If they weren't in public, Nico would've dropped to his knees already, praying or fucking, he cared not which. 

"Head in the clouds today?" Yusuf laughed when Nico was too slow to say something. To Yusuf, it was adorable to see such a usually poised and confident man frozen without words, lost in thought. It made him seem more down to earth? It made him seem all the more real for his lack of performance, for his inelegance. If Yusuf could pry up a part of Nico, just to see what the man was like underneath, he'd be happy to dig for years. 

"Sorry," Nico shook his head. "No, my friend. Just dozing in the sun." 

"With that and you doing nothing in your life all day, you are sure to turn into a cat one of these days." 

Nico laughed, standing up and brushing off his clothes. "Then I will spend my nine lives with you, I'm afraid." 

"Oh?" Yusuf gestured ahead of himself and they began to walk down the stairs and away from the library. "And what would I do with such a bothersome cat?" 

"Why," Nico winked at Yusuf and put on his most charming grin. "Pet him of course." 

Yusuf choked and had to look away to hide his blush. How this man could say such filth in public with a straight face was beyond him. He could barely curb his thoughts, barely divert his mind before they would become noticeable to those around him. "You utter scoundrel!" 

"Only for you, my love." He bat his eyelashes exaggeratedly. But, he knew when he had pushed enough for a moment, so Nico smiled and looked away, giving Yusuf a moment to collect himself.

"So, where are we going?" 

"I hadn't decided," Yusuf said, only traces of his blush remaining. "Possibly to take a walk amongst the market streets?" 

"I could take a turn around the market," Nico drawled.

"The market it is then," Yusuf said as he gently directed Nico to turn with a hand on his back.

* * *

"So," Yusuf began as they walked slowly down the street and took in the shops and stalls. It was a bit crowded; not enough to lose each other, but crowded enough that their arms brushed occasionally as they walked side by side. Yusuf's arm burned wherever they touched. "What was a man such as yourself doing at the library that day?" 

"Which day?" Nico asked asked absently, looking at the shops across the way. 

"The first day," Yusuf said, trying to follow his gaze. A hat shop? A tailors? Candy shop? A boutique? "When we first met, what were you doing at the library?" 

Turning, Nico smiled at him. "I suppose you won't believe me if I said I followed the most handsome man I had ever met?" 

Yusuf laughed. "I think I would have noticed a flashy man following me before sunrise. That, and I had been in the library for some time before you approached me." 

"Alas, you are correct. I had gone to the library to look for company, in truth." 

"And you are in the habit of trying to find company in a place where most people go to be left alone?" 

Nico's arm was hot as it brushed Yusuf's side, pulling his attention to how close they were, how easy it would be for him to reach out and grasp Nico's hand, feel his grip again, hold him tightly and-

"I am not, I admit." Nico smiled before turning to look at the shops again. A fruit stand? A jewelry store? A wood carver? A cobbler? "But I have always loved a challenge." 

"Is that true?" Yusuf gave up on trying to figure out what stores Nico was looking at. "You know we can stop and go into any of these stores."

"That won't be necessary, I'm just admiring." 

"Not used to such low-end markets?" The words felt bitter on his tongue, felt jagged as he ignored that these markets were _high-end_ for him. 

"Not used to such good company," Nico smiled before looking away, trying to be neither pitying or overzealous. Not to Yusuf, never to him. He could never think that of him.

"That day," Nico began, purposefully not looking in Yusuf's direction. A hint of what lay underneath, soft ground Yusuf could shovel at tenderly and carefully if he so dared. "I was in the library for the same reason as everyone else: I was searching for a book that I needed."

Yusuf waited with his breath held, almost worrying that Nico would go back to dazzling words and roundabout phrases, the fanciful tales he told with such grace. 

"There is a book, by a bastard of a man, an English history professor." He quirked a grin at Yusuf quickly before looking away. "I had gone to the library to find this book, and to my surprise, I found a most beautiful man instead. All thoughts of my goal fled my mind as I stood frozen in awe at the sight before me. I knew I had to approach you, that it would change my life forever." 

Silence descended between them, but a comfortable one nonetheless. Was Nico telling the truth? Had the glimpse of who he is been a trick of the light all along?

Had Nico bared too much by saying that to Yusuf? Would he see that Nico had provided a small peek behind the curtain; to the mess of the man hiding beyond?

"This sounds like another one of your exaggerated stories; is it true?" Yusuf asked quietly. 

Nico held his gaze and Yusuf felt like he was being examined and seen _through_ , that Nico had never looked this way before, that he had never been without his charming and coy looks. Nico gazing so intently at him made his skin heat, made him tremble where he stood- he couldn't tell if it was in fear or lust. Being _seen_ so thoroughly was both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. 

Nico glanced away first, slipping back into his usual slouch and crooked grin. Were his eyes always that empty?

"I suppose you'll never know. Every story has a grain of truth to it, does it not?"

* * *

They had been walking for awhile as they continued back to safer topics. Yusuf couldn't shake the feeling of Nico's gaze on him; and, unknown to him, Nico couldn't shake the memory of Yusuf hanging on to his every word, as if they were worth listening to. 

"And so," Nico said in between laughs with Yusuf almost in tears at his side. "He screamed 'Go hang yourself! I'm a working man!' and promptly realized what had just come out of his mouth!" 

"He did not!" Yusuf exclaimed as he bent over laughing, barely able to catch his breath. Nico was leaning on him as he too was overrun with laughter. 

"I assure you he did!" Nico's lungs hurt with how much he was laughing; he was out of practice. Yusuf beside him, laughter etched on his face like he had been born to smile and laugh, was stunning like this. 

"No!" Yusuf exclaimed as they continued to laugh. In such a busy market, they barely drew any looks for being noisy. Even for this story, which was strictly inappropriate for public, had drawn barely a glare. They continued to laugh as they walked in the busy throng, faces flush and smiles easy. 

"You should have seen it, my friend," Nico smiled grandly at the memory, bumping shoulders with Yusuf. He swept his arms wide. "The look on his face when he implied he was a sex worker; he was horrified! The look on the sex workers' faces: laughing at the improbable idea that such a man, a rude and ill-tempered man with no respect for anyone, could _ever_ work as hard as one of them." He laughed. "It was a sight to behold, my dear." 

Yusuf could barely look away from Nico's flush cheeks, from his bright eyes and dazzling smile. When Nico was happy, truly happy, he seemed brighter than life itself. He was at ease and his smiles were freely given, his happiness shared gladly with Yusuf, his treasured memories offered without a second thought. 

"I suppose you were there for the obvious reasons?" Yusuf teased. 

"To learn the tricks of the trade, you mean?"

Yusuf had to laugh at the salacious wink Nico sent him. "Yes, of course. For the amount of stories you have about such establishments, you would have had to spend almost every waking minute there." 

"And who says I haven't?" Another flirtatious wink. 

"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised," he grinned, "When it comes to such a man as you." 

"Such sweet words, such honeyed perfections gifted from your tongue." 

Before Yusuf could reply to Nico's teasing, he saw something out of the corner of his eye, just beyond Nico's legs. So quick he barely caught it, Yusuf saw a small hand dart in and out of Nico's pocket without alerting Nico, grabbing tightly to the coin they had found. 

"Hey!-" Yusuf reached out to grab the small pickpocket, but before he could snag a sleeve, a strong grip closed around his wrist. He froze in complete surprise before looking up. 

That look was back in Nico's eyes; sharp, intense, and able to see to the very bottom of his soul. He could barely look away. Nico softened his grip slightly. 

"Let him go, Yusuf." Nico said softly.

"But-" He began, knowing how easily a life could be ruined in a moment of carelessness. 

"Yusuf." Nico said firmly, voice just as soft as before. He slid his hand down so that he was holding Yusuf's hand in his. Yusuf could feel the warmth and the callouses of his grip, almost enough to distract him completely. "Please, let it go." 

Yusuf could only nod in reply, stunned both from what had happened as well as from touching Nico for such an extended period of time, in such an intimate way. Nico smiled gently before beginning to walk again, still holding on to him. He began to tell his stories once again, though this time they weren't as loud or outrageous, one hand gesturing while the other stayed firmly clasped in Yusuf's.

Over the rest of the afternoon, Yusuf noted, many a pickpocket ended up at their side. Nico was a great opportunity for them; a man with enough money to be assured of some coin, and careless enough to be swiped from easily. Each time a small hand darted into his pocket, Nico would squeeze Yusuf's hand while he looked away from the child; looking up at the sky, pointing to shops, waving to someone he recognized, and smiling at Yusuf like he was the sun incarnate. 

It took Yusuf a while to catch on, much to his shame. Not only was Nico being as 'careless' as possible, looking away at all times, standing still to point at window displays, he was drawing Yusuf's attention away as well. Not from the pickpockets, but instead from how, for every coin taken from his pockets, he would slip another back inside. Essentially, Nico was leaving a coin in his pocket for each child that came their way, replacing it with another for the next small hand to grab. 

Yusuf could only play along, following Nico's pointing, smiling back, unsure of why Nico was trying to hide this from him. Was being generous like this something that he thought would ruin his image, ruin what Yusuf thought of him? Was he ashamed of his actions?

By the end of the afternoon, as the sun was setting and dusk fast approaching, Yusuf was more content and exhausted than he could ever remember. A day of walking, taking in the market and people, talking and laughing with Nico, holding Nico's _hand-_

He felt buzzed, almost. Felt like he could fall asleep the moment he laid down, felt like he didn't want to leave Nico's side, didn't want to let go of him. 

"My dear," Nico called quietly, bringing Yusuf's focus back to the present. They were still holding hands, but had stopped on the sidewalk of a quiet side street, an alley on one side and a flower shop on the other. The colors of the setting sun played on Nico's face, bathed him in oranges and reds that made his eyes stand out even more, that made him look all the softer and more dashing. Yusuf could barely stand it, it felt like there was an itch under his skin just _begging_ him to reach out and touch. Lean in and learn what those lips tasted like, what sounds he made when lost in another. 

"Yusuf?" Nico was looking at him with a small smile and squeezing his hand gently. 

Yusuf didn't answer, couldn't speak past the longing that was clogging his throat, past the single-minded focus on Nico's lips and ideas of what kissing him would be like. Would it be like all he had dreamed? 

He wanted to find out. 

While looking Nico in the eye, he slowly leaned forward, projecting his intentions clearly. Nico's cocky smile was ruined by the widening of his eyes in surprise, that even after all his flirting, he hadn't expected Yusuf to do this, to _want_ this. 

When their lips met, Yusuf couldn't help but close his eyes, taking in every feeling and touch. He could feel Nico's gasp across his lips, could feel the warmth of lips pressed softly to his, the feeling of _rightness_ that suffused his body. It was barely a moment, and yet still, it felt like a small eternity of bliss while kissing Nico. He pulled back slowly, glancing up once more, smiling at the hungry look in Nico's eyes. 

"Do you-" Nico broke off quietly, intently looking back at Yusuf. He was blushing slightly. "Do you want more?" 

More? What did that even entail? Kissing? Frotting? Sex? Was whatever Nico thinking something that Yusuf wanted? He knew he wanted a lot, but he also wanted to be aware of what they desired. 

Nico must have seen his hesitance. "You say 'stop' and we stop, I give you my word. Nothing happens that you don't want, you're in control here. Whatever you want. Including wanting nothing, splitting ways right now. Whatever you decide, I will be happy with, and respect." 

Gazing into his eyes, he could see how honest Nico was being. He was looking at him intently, yet softly, true to his word that he would respect whatever Yusuf wanted. There was no hint of his usual swagger, not for this. Here, he was clear and concise with his words and emotions, he was honest and a gentleman. Whatever Yusuf wanted, he would abide by, no hard feelings. 

Again, Yusuf hadn't known he could fall even further for this man. 

"Just kissing, hands above the waist." Yusuf said softly, checking one last time that Nico wasn't secretly disappointed or upset. 

He wasn't. He just nodded seriously. "Anything you don't want?" 

"Don't call me anything but my name." 

"I can do that." Nico said softly, a small smile on his face. "Don't hold my arms down, don't choke me." 

Nothing that Yusuf was intending to do, would never do with Nico now that he knew. Never before had he been asked these questions before anything had _really_ happened. Never had it been so easy and felt so accepting and normal for Nico to have asked and listened to him. 

He wanted it. He wanted this all the time. Not just the care put into these questions, but the steady gaze of Nico looking at him with respect and hunger at the same time. How he wanted to be the only thing Nico focused on. Wanted those lips on his, those hands on his body. He licked his lips, and Nico tracked the movement slowly. 

"Do you still want this?" Nico asked, giving Yusuf an out. "I can walk you home or-"

"I do. I want this." Yusuf nodded, watching Nico. He could see the moment Nico accepted his words, could see the want in his eyes and the wicked grin spreading across his face. 

"Come here," Nico said, pulling Yusuf into the alley quickly before pressing him against a brick wall. Nico's body was firm where it pressed against him, hands on the wall beside his head. Nico's eyes were dark with lust, his face close enough to Yusuf's that he could feel their breaths mixing. 

"Last chance, Yusuf." Nico said quietly, holding himself back, offering one last out to Yusuf. 

"Get on with it, you bastard." 

That was all Nico needed before he pressed in further, before Yusuf's breath hitched as Nico was suddenly kissing him fiercely, his warm body pinning him to the wall and his hands running over his body. Yusuf let out a moan at the feeling, a feeling of both being trapped and like he would fall down if Nico wasn't holding him up, holding on tightly. He gasped at the feeling of hot, slick lips against his, fervently trying to get as close as possible.

God, the man could kiss. Yusuf was almost incoherent with it, could only hang on to Nico's waist as he was kissed within an inch of his life. If this was how Nico was just when kissing, it was no wonder that many people crossed through his bed, no wonder he was never without a willing partner. It was intoxicating, and Yusuf wanted more still, wanted more and _more._

He had to grin when he grabbed Nico's hair and pulled, pulled it out of his tie and held tightly, causing the man to groan loudly in pleasure, the sound reverberating in both of their chests. He grabbed more of Nico's hair, causing him to moan loudly again as Yusuf pulled his head back. 

"You like that, do you?" Yusuf whispered, licking his tingling lips and admiring the curve of Nico's neck. Strong, unblemished, and begging to be kissed. He wanted to mark him.

 _"Mmmmm,_ can't you tell?" Nico grinned wickedly, eyes half lidded. 

Yusuf raised a hand to Nico's face, tracing the outline of his slick and red lips slowly. God, this man was intoxicating. God, Yusuf had not thought this was what would happen when he agreed to an alleyway snog. He had expected the hot and heavy kissing and petting they had done, Nico easily living up to his reputation. But he had not expected himself to take charge, to want to hear Nico being the one to give up control. Fuck, it made him feel alive, it made him want to do this always. 

_Fuck, Nico looked so good like this, dazed with pleasure.  
_

"I want you to say it." He pulled on Nico's hair to emphasize his point, causing Nico to moan loudly and thrust his hips in the air. 

_"Yusuf,"_ Nico panted, looking more debauched than ever before, face flush, eyes bright, hips moving. Yusuf wanted to drink him in forever, put him down on paper so he could always revisit the scene when in the dark of night, hand around his- 

"I've never felt anything better." 

Before Yusuf could even take a breath, Nico pushed forward, pressing his body against Yusuf's to the wall, hips consciously not touching, already pressing his tongue into Yusuf's mouth, moaning at the heat and wetness, at the feel of Yusuf's tongue against his, their shared breath and closeness making them both dizzy with lust. 

Fuck, it felt amazing- _Yusuf_ felt amazing. Nico, _oh,_ he was dazed in the best of ways. His thoughts were heavy with the need to touch Yusuf, to explore all parts of him, to consume him and worship him at once, to give all that he could and return every touch and moan. To see Yusuf like this, decadent and drunk on pleasure- it made the heat in Nico's belly grow tighter and tighter. 

He gasped when Yusuf pulled his head back again, immediately moving to his throat to suck bruises to his pale skin. 

_"Fuckkkk- Yusuf-"_ Nico moaned, head pulled back and eyes shut tight in bliss. Every nip and bite, every comforting kiss before moving to a new section of his neck, made Nico all the more lightheaded. 

This isn't what he had expected when Yusuf had agreed to more, had said his boundaries with such determination that it had made Nico all the more taken with him. All the more reverent with Yusuf's firm words that said he would leave with no hesitancy if Nico didn't accept his terms. 

Nico would do anything for him.

Now, with his head thrown back, Yusuf's hand tightly grabbing hold, his mouth sucking such _delightful_ bruises into his neck, his other hand pressed against his chest, Nico's hands on Yusuf's shoulder and waist, moans echoing between them both in a darkened alley- Nico would never forget this. His head would inevitably drift to these thoughts when he was alone in bed, hand wrapped around himself, Yusuf's name on his tongue, _so close-_

Made all the more sinful by hiding in the shadows of an alley, where anyone could see them, where anyone could walk by, hear their moans of pleasure loudly echoing out to the street- 

_Fuck-_

Nico could barely think straight. "Where did you learn to kiss like this, like the last wish of a dying man?" 

Yusuf broke away from his neck, his lips wet and puffy, bright red, and stealing all of Nico's focus away. Yusuf grinned, and only then did Nico notice the small movements of Yusuf's hips, the large bulge in the front of his trousers.

His mouth watered. 

"Eyes up here," Yusuf teased, releasing his grip on Nico's hair. He leaned back, but did not remove his hands, content to stay in their embrace. "Did you think me an unknown virgin, someone you could 'teach' such devious things to?" 

Nico laughed softly, still in love with how Yusuf would banter back without hesitating, without curbing his thoughts or tone. Even now.

"Of course not," he said honestly as Yusuf kissed him slowly, interrupting his thoughts. Before he could even appreciate the feeling of Yusuf's lips on his, Yusuf was already pulling away again, a coy smile on his face. 

"Yes? Continue," Yusuf raised an eyebrow, and Nico couldn't help but laugh again at his imperious tone, and the light in his eyes that made the entire world seem okay when he was close by. 

"I had no expectations, truly. Anything that happened, I would have taken gladly." 

"You did," Yusuf smiled and kissed him again, lips sliding softly together, hands gentle as they slowly ran over their bodies, smaller touches fluttering over shoulders and arms, reigning the desperation in their hands back. "I believe, should I have asked, you would have gone to your knees before I even finished speaking." 

"Gladly, wholeheartedly, devoutly," He said breathlessly as he cupped Yusuf's face softly, leaning in and kissing him slowly, taking in his taste, the way their lips moved when they were both smiling, when they were the only two people in the world. 

When he pulled back, arms unwinding and taking a step back, Yusuf was still smiling at him. 

"You look even more debauched than usual," Yusuf said with a raised an eyebrow. Nico had his cocky grin in place, but his eyes were soft where they looked at Yusuf. Yusuf could barely look at him, half ravished and knowing that he had been the one to do it, that he had caused this man to look like he had just stumbled out of bed, stumbled away from his partner in a daze. 

If he came any closer, Yusuf wouldn't be able to hold himself back from reaching out again, tasting his lips, feeling his body, thrusting-

Taking a large bow, of which he couldn't help himself, Nico chuckled before standing straight again and winking at Yusuf exaggeratedly. "Something I pride myself in, ever the more so for it being by your hand." 

"Of course," Yusuf laughed, beginning to straighten out his own clothes and hair. "Your hair regularly sticks up in every direction, your collar undone with multiple bruises, your shirt untucked. No one will notice, I'm sure." 

"Not when faced with my good looks." Nico winked again, but he too began to smooth out his clothes and hair. He did not care what people would think of him in the streets, knowing exactly what he had been doing- this would not be his first time traversing like this. No, he did this because this belongs to Yusuf, _he_ belongs to Yusuf. 

What they have done together, how it's made Nico _feel,_ is only for Yusuf's eyes. He is proud to wear the badges of their time together, but not to the extent that it loses the meaning of their time together. 

"Of course," Yusuf laughed again, stepping forward to help adjust Nico's vest. "How could I forget your big head, so inflated by your ego?" 

"Your words sting!" Nico gasped, faking hurt. "How these words cut me to the quick, and yet your lips and touch build me back up! To be unmade and made again, is that not the true meaning of-"

"Nico," Yusuf kissed him softly, a gentle brush of lips together, yet ardent enough to take Nico's breath away. He barely noticed his eyes has closed when Yusuf pulled away, tapping him on the cheek to get his attention. Yusuf paused for a moment before speaking. 

"The library?" 

Nico had to take a moment to understand what Yusuf was saying, his mind still dazed and Yusuf's thought process a tough one to follow. 

_Has this changed us? Will this have changed what we do, who we are? Will he expect something of Yusuf, or vice versa?_

"The library," Nico said calmly, smiling as the tension left Yusuf's shoulders, as his smile brightened. 

_Nothing will change. We will be what we are, whatever you want. Nothing has to change if we don't want it to._

"Alright," Yusuf said, nodding. He leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to Nico's cheek, before smiling one last time and turning around, making his way out of the alley, back onto the street and beyond. 

Nico stood frozen, hand pressed to his cheek, watching as Yusuf's silhouette disappeared into the last rays of the sunset. 

If he was to die right now, be struck down where he stood, he would be content. If he had only minutes left to live, his last thoughts would be filled with Yusuf, with his smiles, his words, his love of poetry, his hands, the way he kissed, the way he smiled when he thought Nico wasn't looking. Yusuf in all his complexity. 

Nico breathed out slowly, closed his eyes and turned away from the alley entrance, and began to make his way back home, steps light and sure, smile never dimming as night overtook the city, as Yusuf carried the sun further and further away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Yusuf and spoiler: a child pickpockets Nico and Yusuf tries to stop them because Yusuf is poor and knows losing money is can fuck up your entire life. He does not hate the kids, it sucks they need to this to survive, but his actions may look like it. He is poor and his views are different from Nico's).
> 
> THANKS EVERYONE!!  
> I love all your comments and respond to every one! If you want to talk more about the tags/warnings, the chapters, etc, message me here or on tumblr (siriusnebulae), I'm always down to talk!   
> Like I said, the next chapter will include sex! We are getting closer to plot points, and I'm excited to show you guys what happens! 
> 
> <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally to the sex scene! it's taken forever oh my god.   
> i will be updating the tags too, but here are the general tags: blowjobs, handjobs, hair pulling, come swallowing, and i think those are the big ones  
> i hope you all enjoy it!

It was Yusuf who found him this time, though he had left a note saying where he'd be on Yusuf's table at the library. So 'found' wasn't the best word to use; nevertheless, it was Yusuf who chose to approach him, who decided to find him on his time off from work. Nico was continuously surprised each time Yusuf actually _wanted_ to spend time with him, he never wanted to pressure Yusuf into being around him, to be together. 

Nico would have spent the entire day on the side of the pond at the park he was in, regardless if Yusuf came or not. He told Yusuf he would be here, and he would gladly wait here and feel no remorse about spending a day in the park if he never showed. Take in the cool breeze, watch the ducks swim about, watch people and children walk by, enjoy the sunlight across his skin and the feel of grass between his fingers and toes. 

He was laying down just like that, eyes closed in the sun, fingers twisted in the grass, wind blowing wisps of hair in his face, when he felt someone sit down next to him. He smiled at the sound of Yusuf settling next to him, the sound of his quiet breaths and clothes rustling. 

"Where do you go on your days off?" 

Nico didn't look up at the abrupt greeting, even though it was very unlike Yusuf to begin talking in such a manner. "You mean when I'm not with you?"

"Yes," Yusuf said with such solemnity that Nico actually sat up and looked at him. 

"What's going on, Yusuf?" 

"I just want to know where you go on your days off." He turned his face away. 

What did he mean by that? What was all this about? Was this because he thought Nico was going behind his back and sleeping with other people (not that they had slept together yet)? Did he think that Nico wasn't serious about him and being with him? He knew they hadn't really defined what they 'were', but he had hoped Yusuf might understand that Nico was serious about him, about being together in some sort of manner. 

He cautiously reached out and turned Yusuf's face back to his with a finger, searching his face. "What's this about, Yusuf, truly? Let me help you." 

"I just-" he took a deep breath before meeting his gaze. "I just need to know what you do on your days off. Please." 

"Okay," Nico said softly, he touched Yusuf's hand. "I'll tell you. Will you tell me what this is about if I do?" 

Nodding, Yusuf let out a sigh of relief at Nico's pronouncement, knowing that for such a question, for such a mood he was in, it was only fair that he answer Nico's questions in return- he was not the one being asked to divulge his daily life so abruptly. 

"Alright." Nico gave a small smile before he looked down to gaze at their hands, watched his thumb run over the back of Yusuf's hand. He was nervous; would he be able to tell Yusuf what he wanted? Would he be able to keep up his appearances, would Yusuf still like him when he finished, when he realized that Nico couldn't tell him everything; that somethings he just had to keep to himself?

"When I am not with you, sometimes I am here or wandering other parts of the town," he began quietly, not looking up. "Sometimes I am at parties or lunches, but rarely these days. You've saved me from having to endure such terrible events," a quirk of his lips, not even trying to be real, "other times I am, as you might disbelieve, managing my affairs. Shocking, I know, but when you live a life such as mine, it is important to at least know where you stand each month- how else would you know how much you could spend on a truly ridiculous life?" 

A finger lifted his chin up, made him look into Yusuf's serious eyes. "Don't do that now, please." 

"Do what?" He knew what he was doing. Smoke screens and mirrors; 'ladies and gentlemen, _look_ _over there!'_

"Pretend to be who you are not, not for me, not now." 

Nico could only look back at his deep eyes, at the world-weariness that made him look older than he was in this moment, that seemed a heavy weight on his shoulders. 

"It is a ridiculous life," Nico said seriously, sharply watching for Yusuf's reaction- 

_This isn't a joke, please believe me, Yusuf, please-_

"I know," came the quiet reply. Nico squeezed his hand, glancing back down again.

"I cannot tell you everything, Yusuf, and I am sorry for that. But I can tell you this: when I am not with you, I am not with other women or men, I am not drunk or spending my money with abandon at gambling dens and bars. I feel like I mean something, that my life makes a difference to people, that my hands are not wet with blood, but are strong enough to carry the world somedays. I like to think my life is not a worthless, trivial thing- and yet, I can't tell you what I do, I'm so sorry. Please believe me." He took a deep breath, ignoring the shaking in his hands and the tremble in his voice. "Yusuf, when I am not with you, you never leave my mind. You are like fresh air to my drowning soul, you are the sunlight to my shameful darkness. When I am not with you, I long to be with you with a devotion I have never known." 

He paused and looked away, his free hand running through his hair.

Yusuf didn't know what was happening- didn't know that his question would cause so much distress for Nico. 

To his shame, yes, he would admit, the idea that Nico was off flirting and fucking other people had been eating away at his resolve for weeks. They had never said what they were to each other, Yusuf didn't even _know_ what they were, but he knew they were something. He just didn't know if Nico did. 

And apparently, Nico knew what he had been thinking, what terrible thoughts he had let fester into such uncertainty that he questioned the man who had never gone further than Yusuf was comfortable with, the man who had asked so tenderly, so carefully if he was allowed to kiss Yusuf, as if asking to be granted access to something he believed himself not worthy of. As if his hands were dirty and Yusuf was a pristine piece of art. 

"Please, believe me Yusuf." His eyes were clear when he looked up at Yusuf, truthful and yet full of pain. "One day you will know. One day I will tell you, I _promise you-_ I will tell you everything. Just not yet. I can't. I can only beg for your forgiveness." 

He was crying, he knew it, he could feel the tears on his face as he looked at Nico, who had already turned away as if in shame. 

What had he done? To have Nico in such a way before him? Promising his every secret and yet scared that he had no right to ask Yusuf to not dig deeper, not yet. Who was he, to rob a man of his secrets, to ask the most obfuscating man he knew to bare himself like this? What right had he, to do that to Nico?

"I..." He wiped his eyes and coughed. "Of course I believe you, I am sorry you doubt that I do; it is an error I will correct immediately. I believe you; I can parse your stories and silences. You do not need my forgiveness, you have done nothing wrong." A deep breath, "it is I who must beg for _your_ forgiveness, to have demanded so much of you, more than I would anyone else I know. I am ashamed that I made you divulge what is within your right to keep to yourself-" 

"I told you willingly-"

"-You feared I would leave if you didn't, that is not willingly." He gently pushed Nico's escaped hair behind his ear, lingering with his hand cradling Nico's face. Such a gentle man, such a careful man underneath his masks, just wanting the same as everyone else. As Yusuf. 

To find someone to love and be loved in return. 

"I am sorry, Nico." He smiled wanly, brushing his thumb over his cheekbone. "I let my insecurities taint my view, let my own thoughts fester and warp who you truly are. I had no right to that knowledge, no right to ask you those questions and theorize what you were doing when we are not together."

Nico was quiet, eyes keenly watching Yusuf as he tried to say all that he meant, all that he needed to say lest he would always know that he had erred and Nico paid the price.

He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before he looked Nico in the eye. "I beg forgiveness, and promise that I will never abuse the precious trust you have gifted me with again. To be with you is a constant joy, no matter how we are." 

There was a long silence between them, the only focus on where their hands touched and where Yusuf was touching Nico's cheek. Each of them silent as they processed what was said; what was promised and sworn. Nico had closed his eyes, his face a careful mask of neutrality as he thought. Yusuf knew he had no right to see the emotions on Nico's face, to get a glimpse of what he might be thinking- but he yearned nevertheless. He knew his own face was most likely a mess, with tear tracks, blotchy cheeks, and moist eyes. He looked like how he felt, scrubbed raw in places and yet clean, like this needed to happen, needed to learn about his own potential for harm and change that, before they grew even closer. And yet, it was a burden to know that such a reflection had come at the price of Nico's well-being, even if they would recover. He would most likely remember this for many years. 

It was Nico who first broke the silence, looking confused. "What do you mean 'how we are?'"

"Well, just-" He raised their joined hands. "Are we together? We _are_ courting, yes?"

"Has it not been obvious, my love?"

"You've never tried anything-"

"Do you think me such a man?" Nico's eyes were sharp on him, his tone careful; what was Yusuf implying? That he would force himself? That- 

Nico took a deep breath, letting it go, knowing Yusuf did not mean it the way it seemed (they way everyone else meant with Nico, that he was a womanizer, that he had no morals-) "Courting is a conversation, Yusuf, not a lecture. We both must understand what the other wants, decide between us what we want to give." 

"I apologize, I would never think that of you, my tongue got ahead of me again." Yusuf said immediately, head bowed. 

"I know," Nico comforted, gently kissing the back of his hand. 

They sat together in silence again, this time just enjoying the silence together. Somehow, they had talked for so long that the sky had begun to change, no longer a bright sunny day, but now heavy with dark clouds. It looked like a storm was coming, that any moment the skies could open wide and starting pouring. How had they missed such a drastic change?

Yusuf followed Nico's gaze to the sky. He debated for a minute. "My place is nearby, should we make a run for it?" 

Nico glanced at him before looking back at the clouds. "Is that what you want?"

"Only if you want, if you want to spend time with me still today."

Nico turned to him with a small smile. "Think we can make it?"

He didn't, no. Not when he could already feel the humidity in the air rising, smell the incoming rain, taste it in the back of his throat. No, he was actually very surprised it wasn't raining already. 

"One way to find out." He shrugged, loving how Nico just grinned ridiculously at him, a gleam in his eye showing how much he would enjoy the adventure. Racing against time, not knowing if they wanted to succeed or not, wanting to hear Nico's laughter in the rain, his shouts for joy as they ran hand in hand to safety and warmth.

"Shall we?" 

* * *

They burst into Yusuf's room with half the rain of London on their shoulders, their clothes sticking to their bodies, hair plastered to their heads, and water trailing their steps. None of it mattered, not when they were still clutching each other and laughing, smiles and eyes wide from their adrenaline-fueled run.

Eventually, after many failed attempts, they managed to calm down. It was a small room, a one person bed with neat sheets against a wall, a tall wardrobe with clothes inside, a sink in the corner, and a desk cluttered with books, papers, machine parts, and sketches. 

"I apologize for the mess," Yusuf said as he hurried to the desk, hands reaching out to tidy up, managing to only drip water everywhere. He quickly pulled his hands back, not wanting to ruin everything on the desk. He turned around awkwardly, eyes going to Nico casually leaning on the opposite wall, a small smile on his face. 

"If this is a mess, I hope you never see mine."

Yusuf snorted. "Too many clothes strewn about? Floors littered with fabrics and valuables?"

"There are never enough clothes on the floor." He winked, causing Yusuf to blush.

Nico couldn't take his eyes off of Yusuf. Standing in front of him, he could make out the muscles beneath his clothes, their definition clear with the way the fabric stuck to his skin, almost transparent in places. 

It made his mouth water. 

His hair had fallen out of his tie, and now hung past his shoulders in curls, making him look even more noble than usual. His pants were tight, wet in a way that meant it would be difficult to peel him out of, that one would have to touch so _much_ skin just to get the fabric past his muscled thighs. 

He wanted those thighs around him, holding him, pressing into him.

When Yusuf looked back, he continued to drink him in. His hair highlighted his cheekbones, his skin had a light blush, making Nico want to feel how warm he must be, wanted to _make_ him warm-

And his eyes. Gods above, his eyes were staggering. Pupils wide with fading adrenaline, a brown so bright that Nico would never need anything else in life to be warm. Never needed anything else to eat; he could survive just from gazing at Yusuf. 

A drop of water ran down Yusuf's neck, and Nico was unable to stop looking, eyes following it as it ran towards his collarbone. He wanted to press his tongue where that drop had run down, wanted to press tight against him and put his mouth on his neck, not let go until Yusuf could only moan his name-

"Nico?"

Yusuf was grinning at Nico's expression. 

"Yes, my dear?" He could not get enough of him, knew that his face must look both satisfied and ever hungry at the same time, heart racing and pupils blown. Never had he felt so good in his life, as he did now, wet and merely standing apart from another. 

His pants were too tight. 

Stepping forward confidently, Yusuf walked into his space, so close he could feel their noses brush as they made eye contact. 

His hands itched to reach out and touch. 

"Would you like more, Nico?" Yusuf whispered. "The way you look at me, the way I feel your gaze on my body, one would think you are a starved man."

"Am I not?" Came the quiet reply, Nico's eyes closing briefly, overcome. 

Yusuf could barely keep his hands to himself, not when Nico was essentially pressed against the wall, throat bared, eyes shut, a dazed expression on his face, a clear bulge in his trousers, made all the more visible by his wet clothes. He wanted to reach out, trace Nico's neck, run his hands under his shirt and vest, cup him and keep him on edge for eternity. 

But first, "I would like to have sex," he smiled when Nico gasped, "in any way you want. Do not do anything with out telling me, and I will do the same." He grinned at Nico's wide eyes. "Tell me what you do not want, tell me now if you don't want to do this, we can do anything you want." 

His hands itched to reach out, brush Nico's hair aside, push his hips against the wall, press himself as close as possible. 

Not yet. 

This was too important to both of them. This was both necessary and reassuring, spoke of fondness of each other in wanting to be open, wanting to make sure each felt safe and cherished. 

"I want this," was the immediate response, causing both of them to smile. "I am fine with anything we do, sex-wise. Don't hold my arms down, don't choke me. You can always ask if you want to try something." 

"Does that apply to holding your hands down, as well?" He wanted to be sure, he didn't want to do anything Nico wasn't comfortable with. 

"You can hold my hands down, hold them tight, anything. Just not my arms." 

"Thank you." 

They both looked at each other in the ensuing silence, making sure they were on the same page. Looking at the need written across both their bodies, at the hunger in their eyes that was barely held back, they could not restrain themselves any longer. 

Suddenly, they were kissing desperately, unaware of who had moved or who had kissed whom, only aware that there was too much space between them, that their hands were burning with the need to touch, to memorize, to worship. 

Yusuf groaned as Nico bit his lower lip, groaned at the feel of his hot hands all over his body, running through his hair, along his sides, just under his shirt. He could barely breathe, he didn't _want_ to. Not when it meant he had to stop kissing Nico. 

He bit Nico back, a tease and also a challenge, licked into his mouth when he gasped in surprise. He could taste him, finally. Everything was hot and wet and filthy and all he ever wanted. He felt sharp teeth, felt Nico's tongue against his and he could have come right then from that feeling alone. He was lost in the feel of Nico, in the heat and the pleasure.

Nico pulled at Yusuf's hips, dragged him against his front, held on to his ass to keep him close. Yusuf had to chuckle at his desperation, yet knew that they were both desperate. He pressed himself fully against Nico, their clothed chests wet, dicks hot even through their layers. His hands moved to Nico's hair and pulled tightly, and he leaned back to watch Nico's eyes flutter closed and hear his deep moan of pleasure. 

It was filthy.

It was all he wanted to hear in life. 

"That feel good, Nico? Is this what you wanted? Someone to tell you what to do?" He thrust his hips against Nico's, legs nearly buckling with how good it felt. He did it again, chasing that feeling, watching Nico try to reply. 

"Yes, yes, Yusuf-" He gasped, hands clinging tightly to Yusuf's waist. "You feel so good, so so good."

Yusuf had to grin at the mess of a man in front of him, thrusting with abandon and flushed with desire. He would never be able to get this image out of his head. Nico tilted back in ecstasy, hair pulled taught, wet all over, and almost begging Yusuf. 

With one hand, Yusuf began to unbutton Nico's vest and shirt, other hand still buried in his hair. "You can unbutton my shirts." 

Nico's hands were immediately at his front, zeroing in on his buttons, fingers no less adept for his closed eyes and the tight space between them. In less than a minute, Yusuf's shirt was open, Nico's hands running over his chest, feeling along his collarbone, everywhere. Tracing down his side, thumb teasing at his waistband, his hands settling over his nipples. 

"Can I touch here?" He asked quietly, and Yusuf couldn't nod fast enough. 

"Yes, please," he panted into Nico's neck, trying to press even closer. He began to suck bruises into his skin, tongue darting out to taste him over and over. 

One moment his mouth was on Nico's neck, the next he knew he was biting down hard, groaning loudly. He could hear Nico moaning alongside him, fingers still playing with his nipples and making Yusuf shudder against him. 

"So sensitive," Nico teased, pulling briefly and making Yusuf jerk against him, pleasure overriding his brain. "I wonder what else is sensitive, what makes you feel good, what will make you _scream."_

 _Fuck_ Yusuf could barely think straight, could barely think past the heat burning fiercely in his pelvis, Nico's touch, their dicks brushing together over and over.

"Don't think I won't leave you here, Nico," he pulled on his hair again, reveling in the groan pulled from Nico's chest. He bent down to continue biting at Nico's neck, grinning wickedly at Nico's stuttering breaths. 

"What-" Nico broke off with a moan as Yusuf's hand trailed down his chest, pressed against his lower stomach, finger _just_ brushing under his waistband, feeling the very beginning of Nico's hair underneath. "You think- _fuck-"_ Yusuf unzipped his trousers with one hand, watching Nico struggle to talk. "That I won't-" He pulled his trousers and undergarments down, leaving Nico entirely naked, dick flushed and hard where it jutted out. _"Madre de dio-_ Fuck! -I w-won't follow you?" 

"I think," Yusuf drawled, rubbing his thumb over the head of Nico's dick, making him buck wildly, entranced and amused at Nico's exaggerated confidence and charm slipping away, leaving only the raw and wanting, the need he buried deep down inside. "That you-" He wiped at his head again, smearing the precum that leaked out. He then twisted his hand, nearly groaning himself at the feel of Nico's dick jerking in his grip, and the silent moan Nico let out. "-would do anything I said right now," he smiled and let go of Nico's hair, using his hands to grab Nico's and place them over his own crotch, an invitation. "-without hesitation, yes?" 

"Immediately, anything you ask. All yours- _Please, Yusuf-"_

Blinking past his own daze, now that Nico's hands were quickly making work of his clothes, back of his hand brushing against Yusuf's dick often, leaving him desperate for more, for something harder, faster, more-

"What are you asking for, Nico?" He had a guess, what with his hand tightly gripping Nico's leaking dick, Nico thrusting unconsciously in his grip, moving minutely back and forth in his hand. 

_"More-_ Yusuf, I want _more-"_

"You're so good, Nico," Yusuf began to move his hand, began to encourage Nico to thrust in and out of his grip. "I want to see you come like this, desperate and begging, using only my hand. Do you think you can do that, for me?" 

Nodding frantically, Nico gasped as Yusuf began to speed up, overcome by the feeling of the heat and the tightness. He was moments away, he could feel it. His moans were constant now, a slur of sounds and words begging, words about Yusuf, how _good_ he felt-

"Nico." 

He kept thrusting as he looked at Yusuf, tried to focus on what Yusuf was saying, yet how Yusuf expected him to focus while fucking Yusuf's hand, he didn't know. All he knew was that he was close, so _close,_ and that Yusuf was trying to say something to him. 

"Y-yes-?" was all he could answer with, feeling his balls beginning to draw up, everything felt so _good-_ He felt Yusuf's other hand in his hair, not pulling, but there nonetheless. 

It didn't matter, not with how he was feeling, a second away from tipping over the ledge, from coming all over Yusuf's hand-

Wait, Yusuf had been trying to say something. He fought against the pleasure, opening his eyes to look at Yusuf's smirking face in front of him, eyes bright and focused solely on him, mouth opening to speak. 

"Come." 

Pleasure burst across his synapses, overtaking all he knew, Yusuf's voice echoing in his head as he came harder than he ever had before, felt like his skin was too tight and too loose at once, as though Yusuf's touch burned him and was still not enough. He felt like he was floating, somewhere far off where nothing hurt. He felt amazing. 

He somehow managed to blink the spots from his vision after awhile, sighing blissfully as he began to register his surroundings. He was in Yusuf's arms, pressed tightly between the wall and his chest, Yusuf's hands strong and sure around him, fingers tracing gently over his back. 

"With me?" Yusuf asked with a knowing smile, letting Nico get his feet back under him. He laughed softly at Nico's aftershocks, dick twitching between them. 

Nico could feel his thoughts coming back together, making sense of the world. He knew he had a dopey smile on his face; he felt amazing. _Yusuf_ felt amazing. 

"Yeah," he breathed out happily, arms moving up to wrap around Yusuf's waist. "I'm here." 

"Good." Yusuf looked at him. "Did you want to continue?"

Realizing that Yusuf was still very hard and pressed against him, twitching his hips against his thigh, Nico wanted that. 

He smiled lazily back, "What did you have in mind?" 

The wicked glint in Yusuf's eyes returned. "You on your knees, sucking my cock, using your mouth to get off." 

_"Fuck-"_ Arousal burned low in his stomach, even after he had just come spectacularly. The way Yusuf's voice had lowered, his confidence telling him what would happen, how he would _use_ him, exactly what he wanted. 

If he hadn't before, he would have come on the spot, Yusuf wouldn't have needed to touch him at all. 

Was he developing a thing for Yusuf's voice?

"Nico," Yusuf said, drawing back his attention. "Is that something you want?" 

"Yes- Yusuf, I want that." 

"Good," Yusuf said, tracing his cheekbone before pulling back gently. "On your knees." 

The floorboards creaked when he dropped down, knees scraping against the wood, but he could barely feel it. Not when Yusuf's dick was right in his face, was flushed and large, made his mouth water at the sight; he couldn't look away. 

He wanted it so badly. He wanted Yusuf fucking into him-

A tap to his chin brought his eyes up, Yusuf staring down at him with a soft smile. Nico had no idea how Yusuf was holding himself back.

"Alright?" 

Before Nico had even finished nodding, Yusuf was _there._ His hands were tight in Nico's hair, his dick pressed against his lips insistently, it was all Nico could do to open his mouth, immediately being filled with Yusuf Yusuf Yusuf.

He felt blissed out, felt himself relax his throat, his body- overwhelmed with Yusuf using him like this. Yusuf's hands were tight in his hair, pulling him back and forth, fucking deep into his throat, dick hot and heavy and _divine_ on his lips and tongue. He could only lick and suck, swallow and moan, encouraged by Yusuf's moans, the tighter he pulled his hair, the deeper and harder he fucked his mouth, obscene sounds of him sucking Yusuf, the feeling of being opened up completely. 

His arousal grew and grew, but he barely paid any mind to it, his existence solely focused on Yusuf. He was close, Nico could feel it in the stuttering of his hips, in the way his grip tightened in his hair, pulled him closer and closer, in the way his body was almost bent in half over him. 

He wanted Yusuf to come in him and never leave. Wanted to always have a part of Yusuf in him, wanted to drink and taste him on his tongue always. He glanced up through his tears, could see Yusuf's face scrunched in pleasure and need. 

He was so close. 

One moment he was looking up at Yusuf's face, the next he felt Yusuf's hot come hit the back of his throat as he shuddered above him. Nico moaned and swallowed, kept swallowing even as come leaked from the corners of his mouth, as Yusuf's cock throbbed on his tongue. He sucked and swirled, drawing his orgasm out, wringing the last of Yusuf's come out and swallowing in pleasure. 

As he waited for Yusuf to come back to his senses, he slowly stopped his movements, pulling back enough that Yusuf's dick laid heavy on his tongue, but no longer obstructed his breathing. 

Yusuf was beautiful like this, face relaxed and looking well fucked, the kind of look that only came from a magnificent orgasm or two. Yusuf's hands were still in his hair, though now relaxed. Nico would stay like this, kneeling on the floor, Yusuf the only thing he knows, for forever if asked. If this was all Yusuf wanted, Nico would do nothing else and be content.

He watched as Yusuf slowly blinked, focusing on him and smiling widely, lazily, satiated. 

"Why, hello there." He said with a soft laugh, tenderly brushing Nico's hair from his face. "Having a good time?"

The obscene pop when Yusuf pulled out of Nico's warmth was loud, his dick dripping and flushed still even as he softened. Nico smiled up at him, licking his lips and watching Yusuf watch him. 

"I had an amazing time," he said honestly, content as Yusuf looked him over. 

"I see you that had a good time," came Yusuf's chuckle. 

"Of course I did." 

"I meant that," Yusuf gestured to Nico's crotch with a laugh.

He looked down to see what Yusuf meant, and could only laugh along with him at his dick, newly covered in his come. It seemed he had come again, while Yusuf was fucking him. Everything had felt so good, so amazing, it was no surprise he had, not with Yusuf, him and Yusuf and the lines between them both so blurred. 

"It seems I did," Nico said coyly, taking the hand offered to him. Yusuf pulled him up, gently holding him close. Nico loved the feeling, the feeling of safety and care that enveloped him. Somehow, Yusuf knew what he needed, being held and touched gently. 

He smiled, tucked against Yusuf's neck, having wrapped his own arms around Yusuf's shoulders. He leaned in as Yusuf brushed a hand over his hair softly. 

"Clean up and then to bed?" 

"I can stay?" Nico had hoped he would be allowed, had really wanted to stay with Yusuf, to just exist in the same space and fall asleep together, wrapped up close and Yusuf being the last thing he saw. He really wanted that.

"Of course," Yusuf said easily and kissed him gently. "I wouldn't have it any other way." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the first time writing sex scenes like this, so if anyone has any comments or smthng i would really appreciate it!   
> i'm feeling a bit, not hesitant, but maybe unsure if my writing is too grandiose and verbose? like, everyone has their writing styles, but please let me know if i need more action/explanatory sentences to keep the fic moving and not as philosophical lmao.   
> next sex scene will probs be 2 chapters away, and after that we start really digging into plot and hurt/comfort :)
> 
> i live for kudos', comments, recs, anything! thanks for reading!! <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, this is a bit shorter of a chapter, and is angsty. and i'm rly proud of it <3
> 
> tw for alluded/mentions of illness/death and children being exposed to death. if u want more info, send me a message (tumblr always works) or skip Nico (1 paragraph/quote branch) speaking after "voice was flat when he began to speak quietly" line. 
> 
> :D :D :D :D I hope u all enjoy!

They hadn't actually planned to meet today. They hadn't agreed ahead of time to seek the other out, to fill their day with idle talk and just being near the other. 

No, Nico had not expected to meet today, was _thankful_ they weren't meeting today, of all days. He was not in the right place to be with Yusuf, wasn't going to be able to interact how he wanted, not when he felt like this. Yusuf didn't deserve that.

He wasn't going to burden Yusuf with his feelings, with his troubles. 

That was why, when he felt someone sit beside him on the bench overlooking the waterfront, he turned with a sharp rebuff ready, wanting no one near him. There were many a bench to rest upon, and he just wanted _space_ to think and fume in peace. 

It was Yusuf. 

The sharp words died on his tongue, leaving him steamless. Yusuf was in his usual clothes, which did nothing to dim his beauty and warmth. He must have seen the deflated irritation on Nico's face, because he eyed him carefully.

"Are you alright, Nico?" 

"Yes," he ran a hand through his hair, which was not tied back today and hid his face from view. "Just a bad day, you know," he said absently. 

"Would you like some company?" Yusuf asked hesitantly. When Nico turned back to look at the water without answering, Yusuf didn't know what to do. 

With all the days they had spent together, all the time and conversations getting to know one another, it was only now that he realized they didn't often talk about the painful things, the bad days. When they did, it was with short one-liners and fake smiles they both silently agreed not to acknowledge. What they knew of each other and their issues were nimbly discussed around and with the tentative acceptance and support of the shadows unspoken between them. 

"Do you," Yusuf tentatively rested a hand on Nico's knee, "want to talk about it?" 

"No thank you," Nico said tersely, removing Yusuf's hand from his knee without looking away from the water. It hurt to see him so removed, so unlike how he normally acted, how he would interact with Yusuf like he was the center of the world, like Nico had nothing in the world to do except be with Yusuf. 

Stung, Yusuf looked at Nico again. His hair was blocking his face, hanging in disarray and in knots. Hunched over, he looked smaller than usual, like he was doing his best to disappear completely. His clothes were rumpled and dirty, not in his usual debauched look, but in a way that spoke of having slept in them and had continued wearing them the next day. 

He looked awful. 

"What happened?" Yusuf asked, carefully not touching Nico, wary of upsetting him again. 

Nico laughed humorlessly. "Family." 

"Ah." He had no idea what to say to that. And it didn't seem like Nico wanted to talk about it. He tried to placate: "What history we have, whether good or bad, impacts our present decisions. We learn and try to be better. You will get through this." 

Nico stayed silent and faced away from Yusuf. If not for seeing his fists clench, Yusuf would have thought he had gone unheard. He wasn't prepared for this. Wasn't prepared to see the sharper, painful things that Nico kept under wraps. Not like this. He was beginning to feel frustrated, at both himself and Nico.

"My sister," Yusuf started, switching tracks, "in Morocco, we write to each other often. She likes to talk about her family and her daughter, Nile, who is about 6 years old, I believe. She also loves to gossip, about what her neighbors have done, what the old ladies are up to, what the men at the cafes ponder about. She is 3 years younger than me, though it often feels like she is at least 10 years more mature." 

Nico did not look at him, but his head was tilted closer. He would take it as a sign that Nico was listening, he decided. 

"She worries," now it was Yusuf's turn to look out to the water seriously. "There's illness sweeping towards her, reports from the East say that it is bad. There's nothing she can do. They barely have enough to get by. It is similar to what happened 20 or so years ago." 

He doesn't know why he's telling Nico this, especially when the man is already in such a state. He didn't want to burden Nico with this. 

Now both of them were unhappy. Miserable company, unsure what the other needed. Frustrated at life. 

Regardless, he felt closer to Nico, not because he understood what Nico was going through, he didn't even _know_ what he was going through, but because they were able to sit together like this, finally see the rougher edges of each other, share (at least in Yusuf's case) some of that burden. 

"I worry about her," he said quietly, unable to think about all the terrible things that could happen. "Her and Nile." 

"I'm sure," Nico said absently, still not looking at Yusuf. 

It hurt, it hurt a lot, to have Nico disregarding him opening up about something terrible, about his constant worry for his family. Just because they were poor, weren't white and English, weren't like Nico with all his wealth-

He hadn't expected Nico to- 

He _wanted_ Nico to be the caring person that Yusuf knew he really was. Not this empty _hull_ of a man. 

It stung, it made him irritated, almost angry. 

He shouldn't have sat down next to him. Not when Nico had made it clear he didn't want company. Not when Yusuf apparently had unprocessed feelings about his own family. They both were not handling this well, which didn't help Yusuf actually calm down.

He snapped. 

"I'm telling you about my family and how a terrible disease is heading their way, of which they could _die._ And all you have to say is 'I'm sure'?" 

"Yes," Nico said blankly, turning to look at him. "I heard." 

Gaping, Yusuf had to boggle at Nico. Boggle and get pissed. Nico had masks, had roles he played, but Yusuf had thought they were _past_ that. Had thought that Nico had agreed to share more of himself, had been more open with Yusuf about who he was, what he wanted, how much he wanted _Yusuf._

It felt like he was shutting him out now, like all of the connection and effort they had was suddenly gone and worthless, thrown out and torched. 

"Nico," he growled quietly. "My family might _die._ And you say nothing? Have you no heart?"

His eyes were dead when he looked at Yusuf. "Will having a heart save them?" 

"Are you ever serious?!" Yusuf yelled suddenly, standing up furiously. "Not everything in this world is a joke, or something that doesn't affect the high and mighty! Have you never seen the sick, the dying in the street, the horridness in this land?!" He gestured wildly, didn't notice Nico's fists clenching. 

"Dammit Nico! For once in your hollow, glittering life could you take something seriously?! Could you at least act like you care for those who aren't as well-off in life?! God," he laughed sharply, "I don't know what world you live in, but in mine there are only glimpses of hope through the dirt, the sickness, the pain, and the ever-present death."

Yusuf watched as Nico slowly stood up, stepping close and pressing against Yusuf, not in comfort, but as a stand-off. His face was still as blank as stone, his eyes lifeless. His voice was flat when he began to speak quietly.

"I held my mother while she died in my arms of illness. I lived through the illness that swept through Italy, swept through all of Europe and decimated everything in its path. I was devastated when she died, when all I could do was help carry the bodies to the pyres. Do not. Do not speak to me of what you know not. The world is full of death, and he is an old friend of mine." 

He turned away, face as impassive as ever, steps tightly controlled. Yusuf was in shock.

"Nico, wait! I didn't mean that-" He tried to reach out and grab his shoulder, but he stumbled, legs unable to work. 

Nico spun around with a fixed, charming grin on his face, his eyes still dead dead dead, and it was worse than when his face was blank. It was a mockery of Nico, of this performing stage of a world. A joke as empty as his eyes, a confidence when he bowed and continued walking backwards a terrible charade. 

"Of course not, my love." Empty empty empty empty empty. "Today is just a bad day, yes?" His grin was filled with derision, each word an attack, aimed so precisely at him. 

What was worse? Having Nico be blank and cold, or having him cruelly tormenting with his bitter masks? 

Yusuf almost gagged. 

Was it more painful to know Nico was suffering, yet unable to see it? Was it not more agonizing to see his suffering, and be faced with his spiteful masks, his contempt as he walked away?

"Wait, Nico!" He called again, finally getting his feet under him. 

Nico was too far away. 

"I will see you soon, _my love."_ Nico drawled, blowing a kiss. And it was worse than if Nico had just been angry. Anger, screaming, fear, Yusuf could have taken that, _would_ have. But not this. Not Nico mocking them both, throwing up walls, barely pretending he was only his masks, his performer, his lies strung painfully together to form a hollowed out ghost of a man.

"Nico!" 

But he was too far. And nothing broke Yusuf's heart more than the sun glancing off tear tracks as Nico turned and left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay. so next chapter will be nice and also have a sex scene. AFTER that, comes the plot I was raving about a few weeks ago.   
> SO IT BEGINS  
> again, the plot will be angsty and similar to pride and prejudice vibes, and im' super excited i'm going to cry so damn much.
> 
> (also, like, if anyone has ideas of a poetry book for an apology that yusuf might like, from the 1880s/90s or so, leave a comment and I'll try and work it or a singular poem in! Esp if it's not english, white, or written by cis-men. (also, i'm not trying to outsource, lmao, more of if someone has an idea that rly resonates, that's more than i will probs find/think of rn). regardless, feel free to disregard this lmao :D )
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I love your comments and kudos' so much!!! <3 You all are super duper nice. :D


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi ppl!  
> so, idk if u saw my note in the martian story, but life has gotten super duper hectic! and so writing is taking a bit longer than usual :(  
> so, this chapter is small, but mostly i just needed to get it done. i know i said sex would be this chapter, but i broke the chapter so sex is the next one. it's gonna be soft! i'm thinking, so i'm excited for that. super soft. also with poetry probs? possibly? depends on if i can find smthng that works lmao  
> (THEN AFTER COMES THE PLOT PLOT PLOT PAIN) i can't wait. at all.   
> fuck, just realized that means i'm getting closer to the (happy) ending. :( but! stories never leave and we can tell them again!  
> so, happy reading! they make up and forgive each other and there's hinted beginnings to nsfw at the end, but nothing explicit rly

The book was held tightly in his grasp, the leather worn down and soft; one could feel the years and the hands that had so tenderly paged through and lost themselves inside. The pages smelled like dust and that specific old book smell, though Nico could never find the exact words to describe it. 

It was a book of poems.

For Yusuf.

As an apology. As well as because he had seen it and had thought of Yusuf immediately. 

Did he know what the book was about? No, but the bookkeeper had said that they were poems written in Arabic (he could tell that part) and that it was very good (he couldn't tell that part, but chose to believe the bookkeeper regardless). And so, he had found himself with a book for Yusuf and the opening for an apology. Well, that was more of a convenient excuse on his part. He would have gotten the book for Yusuf anyways. 

He had been agonizing for days how to apologize, if he should just go up to Yusuf, if he should write him a letter, how was he to even really begin explaining? The longer he left it, the more it festered inside him. The longer he left it, the more he worried Yusuf wouldn't want to see him again. The longer he waited, the more he wanted to comfort Yusuf. 

And so, book in hand, he had decided to approach Yusuf. He didn't know for certain where he would be, but like the beginning, the library was the first place to check; and lo and behold, there he was, sitting on the grass outside. Yusuf's loves for books was stalwart and unmoving. 

As was Nico's love for him-

Wiping his hands on his pants, trying to ignore the anxious flutter in his stomach, Nico approached quietly.

"Hello," he said hesitantly. 

Yusuf looked up from his book and glanced at him and then away; it felt like a blow to Nico's heart. His own doing, but to have made Yusuf feel so uncertain and hurt? 

"Good morning," Yusuf said quietly, looking down and closing the book he was reading. "How are you today?" 

Nico sat down next to Yusuf, holding the book out clumsily. "I wanted to apologize, for the other day." Yusuf's eyes darted to the book and his face, still not lifting his head up. "It was unfair of me, disrespectful, and unforgivable. I apologize for my behavior, and the harm that it has caused you. I-"

"Nico," Yusuf's hand touched his over the book, finally looking up at him. "I must also apologize-"

"No-"

"Yes." Yusuf said firmly. "You were clear that you were not fit for company, especially to be handed my burdens on top of yours at that moment. We both communicated poorly, and invited the consequences-"

"-I didn't mean any of it, I was cruel and awful to you." He insisted, almost begging Yusuf to understand. "I'm so sorry, my dear. None of it was true. You did not deserve any of that and I am ashamed of my conduct and myself for treating you so." 

Yusuf took a deep breath. "Was what you said true? Did- did those things, in your childhood, did those truly happen?" 

He wanted to look away from Yusuf's understanding gaze, he couldn't tell what he was feeling, what this feeling bubbling up inside of him was. He had to look away for a moment. 

"Yes." 

Yusuf gently directed Nico to face him again, hand gentle on the side of his cheek. "Then I deeply apologize for my atrocious words to you. It is not an excuse, I know this, but I did not mean them either-"

"It's okay if you did-"

"No." Yusuf said firmly, looking intensely at Nico. "No. It is not. And though we both created this, what I said was uncalled for. Please believe that I meant none of them, that they horrified me the moment they left my lips and pierced your heart."

As though they were the magic words, Nico collapsed into Yusuf, book dropping as he wrapped his arms tightly around Yusuf, face buried in his neck, just needing to feel safe.

"It's okay, my love," Yusuf said quietly, hands going to the back of Nico's head and his waist, burying his nose in Nico's hair. "I'm right here." 

"As am I," Nico murmured; it was alright to comfort him, but Yusuf should not be the only one, he deserved comfort just as much as Nico did. "We are alright, my dear. It's okay to let go, I'm right here, I promise. I promise." 

And like his strings were cut, Yusuf too relaxed in the embrace, rocking slightly and pressing soft kisses to Nico's hair. He did not have to be strong at the moment, he did not have to try and hold them both up, cut his hands on the sharp edges of them. No, here he could bury himself in Nico's arms, in his warmth and protection, could empty his head of everything besides their breathing and heartbeats. Him and Nico. Yusuf and Nico. Nothing else was needed. 

Wrapped in each other, sitting in the warm sunlight, open and comforting, Nico couldn't think of anything better. Though they had both lashed out then, they had apologized, they regretted their actions and still held each other close, still had the same affection and love for one another. He couldn't remember a time he felt as loved, not since almost a lifetime ago. This, this must be what love was about- why books and poems and odes and songs and paintings were made. The indescribable feeling that made life feel as though the sun was always bright, the fields full of flowers, and the ships safe in stormy seas. It was everything-

"Nico," Yusuf's soft voice brought him out of his musings, and he kissed Yusuf's neck to show he was listening. "Will you take me home?"

Nico pulled back slowly, still wrapped in Yusuf's arms. "Home? Are you alright?" 

"Silly man," Yusuf chuckled, pressing their foreheads together, enjoying Nico's sigh of happiness. Some days, for all the posturing and blatant flirting Nico did, he really could be oblivious. Maybe it was only Yusuf, in which case, it was absolutely adorable that Nico was rarely truly forward with him, always making sure he was comfortable and clear in what he wanted. It was no wonder Nico liked Yusuf being in charge during sex- not that Yusuf was complaining. At all. To dominate Nico who acted out scenes and lines in the day, made incoherent and begging at night? It was heady. "I meant, take me home, Nico. I want you to take me to _bed,_ my love. I want to _feel_ you, to _touch_ you, make _love_ to you. Is that acceptable? Will you take me home?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i rly hope u all liked it! i know it's v small, but things r still moving! life is busy and rough, but hopefully i'll be able to keep slowly moving this along!!!   
> i rly rly love kudos', comments, recs, etc, esp rn with life! <3 <3 <3 <3  
> any thoughts or rxns, i super super love <3 <3 i reply to all of them and they rly brighten my day! :D  
> like i said, tender sex next, plot begins after (including kid nile) and eventual happy ending! <3 <3 <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi ppl!  
> life still hectic but soon it shall be over!   
> shout out to the other US sadfucks who will be going thru the election w me tmrw- hopefully this makes things a bit better, or provides a nice escape <3  
> thanks to ppl in server for reading and helping! <3
> 
> so, this is the sex chapter. i'm v exhausted, so i apologize if it sucks. i apparently know only 5 words for sex scenes, so who knows. at least the next few chapters are mostly written, and i'll have brain power to actually write them lmao.   
> ANYWAYS! get ur sex here, take a look and a gander. i rly do hope u all enjoy, i'm hoping that all ur nice comments will make things not suck tmrw <3
> 
> tags/cw. handjobs, v v light comeplay, penetrative sex (penis in ass), stripping (moderately?)

The journey to Yusuf's place was not as frantic or rain-driven as last time, instead they slowly made their way, basking in the sun and enjoying being close to one another. Their apologies had soothed the hurt from before, and allowed for new understanding between them. A softness that lifted and warmed their spirits.

Entering the room, the sun was setting, staining the floor in brilliant hues of oranges and pinks, lighting up the space. Following Yusuf in, Nico smiled as his skin was lit by the sunset, making his hair glow. He was beautiful.

"Yusuf," Nico began, locking the door behind him and leaning back against it. "Is this something you want? We both were still upset earlier, and we don't have to do anything. If you only want to-"

He was cut off by Yusuf chuckling and grabbing his hands, tugging him to the center of the room before looking into his eyes. "Nico, I thought about you constantly. Yes, I was upset, I won't deny that. But I also wanted to know what had happened, what you were thinking, figure out what had really happened. Just because I was upset didn't mean I stopped loving you."

"My dear," Nico choked out, barely believing what he was hearing. "Walking around, I would unerringly end up in front of the library. Striding down paths, I would turn to the side and say something, only to realize that somehow you weren't there. We were upset, and still the entire time I knew I needed to apologize for my actions." 

Yusuf's lips were warm where they pressed a kiss to his forehead, before he pulled back to look at Nico. "I want this, I swear. We both reacted, but worked through it- no relationship is perfect. So yes, I want this. I want to take my time with you, have all the time in the world to unspool and exist together." 

"Whenever I'm with you, time never seems to exist. Minutes and hours pass in moments, and all I know is that I continue to beg for more time." 

With each word, Yusuf felt himself smiling wider and wider, enamored with the man in font of him, who claimed he was not a poet, did not understand poetry, and yet weaved his words with such skill and beauty.

He shifted closer, cupping Nico's face and leaning in. Nico's lips were warm and slightly chapped, and Yusuf had never felt anything better. Kissing him slowly, pouring all of his emotions into the kiss, feeling Nico's hands around his neck, it was perfect. Time stretched out endlessly as they traded kisses back and forth, nipping gently, brushing tongues, cradling each other close. There was no need to hurry, no need to immediately touch each other, disrobe, move to the bed. 

No, they could take all the time they wanted to stand in the glittering of the evening sun, bask in their shared love and warmth. Content to deepen the kiss slowly, hold each other close, smile and bump noses in happiness and joy. 

Opening his eyes, Yusuf smiled at the colors of the sunset playing on Nico's skin in dazzling patterns. Nico already was breath-taking, and still Yusuf had no idea how there was any air in his lungs left to steal. 

"You're beautiful," he breathed, enjoying Nico's small laugh. 

"As are you," Nico replied, admiring the sun dancing across Yusuf's hair as he gently ran his fingers through it. 

"I want to see you," Yusuf declared, eyes intent where they took in Nico. 

"And you don't see me now?" He teased, ignoring Yusuf's answering huff of exasperation.

"You know that's not what I mean," Yusuf dragged his eyes up to Nico's face, his eyes burning as though he was holding himself back from taking Nico right where they stood. "I could spend hours drawing you." 

Blushing and trying to look away, Nico was caught by Yusuf's fingers sliding into his hair and gently guiding him back into a soft kiss tinged with growing desire. He reacted instinctually, moaning at the feel of his hair being pulled, gripping onto Yusuf's waist, his hips giving an aborted thrust. He can feel Yusuf growing hard under him, can feel his own cock hardening and rubbing deliciously against Yusuf's thigh. He loses himself in their kiss, the press of their bodies against one another, the feeling of Joe surrounding him and touching him in just the right ways.

He whines when Yusuf pulls back, arms still around Nico but hips purposefully too far for Nico to touch. 

"That's not what tonight is for," Yusuf explains, kissing Nico again, taking his time to lick into Nico's mouth, to feel Nico cling tighter to him. 

"And," Nico gasped when the kiss ended, almost positive of what was about to happen, yet playing along anyways, "pray tell, what is tonight for?" 

Humming, Yusuf pretended to think about it. Pretended that he hadn't thought of this situation many a lonely night, hadn't jerked himself off to the image, wasn't dizzy with anticipation and desire running through him. He leaned down and whispered directly into Nico's ear: "You'll be all mine. To touch and to hold, to excite and to pleasure. As long as I want, as long as you let me. I'd gladly spend entire nights like this, could never tire of the sounds of your moans, never forget how you look when you beg me, never grow bored of how you give yourself over- let me treat you how you deserve, show you how much I adore you, how my every thought is filled with you."

"And what about you?" Nico asked, still smiling and carrying on the faux conversation as he slid his hands lower, as he felt the heat in his stomach expanding, knowing how good his orgasm will feel after waiting this long, knowing how this sensual teasing will all be worth it. "Am I allowed to do the same? Or will you always have the role of pleasuring me?" He grinned wickedly as he palmed Yusuf through his clothes, heard Yusuf's surprised in-drawn breath. He pressed his hand down harder, enjoying Yusuf's low chuckle.

"I assure you," Yusuf didn't even try to still his grinding, "you letting me do this-"

"I'm not _letting_ you do anything-" 

"-is as pleasurable as if I was in your position." He gave another low groan as Nico keeps rubbing him slowly. 

Thinking it over, Nico contemplated the offer. He knew that he wanted Yusuf, however he could. And with this suggestion, they both get what they want. All he wanted some days was to let his guard down, to stop analyzing every situation for how he was supposed to respond, stop exhausting himself with the upkeep of personality he clung to. 

And right now, in Yusuf's arms, he was burning up, on edge, could feel his blood pulsing in his dick in response to Yusuf's words. Yusuf must have felt the same as him, going by the damp spot growing against Nico's palm. Yusuf wanted this, he wanted this- it sounded almost like a fantasy pulled directly from Nico's own inner-most thoughts. 

Nico smiled. "Then that's all I need, I want this, too." And he laughed in delight when Yusuf pulled him back into a searing kiss, grabbed his waist tightly and pressed close. 

Unaware of anything beyond the feeling of Nico's body and his thrumming heartbeat, it took Yusuf many moments to order his thoughts away from soft lips, hot mouths, strong hands, and realize that they both were shaking and panting against each others, that Nico had somehow wrapped a leg around his hips and he was grabbing Nico's ass tightly, trying to get the leverage they needed. 

Yusuf tried to pull his back, but really couldn't go far with the way they were tangled together. "Getting flustered, my dear?" He joked.

Nico raised an eyebrow and looked between them, as if to say _'really?'_

"Alright, yes, that was hypocritical," Yusuf admitted. Nico looked amazing like this, hair askew, cheeks flushed, lips shining, pupils blown. Yusuf could draw Nico until the day he died, and never be able to capture all that Nico was. "Do you want to keep going?" 

Nico leaned in and kissed Yusuf before drawing back. "Hayati, if you don't keep going I will do this myself and make you watch without being able to touch. Does that answer your question?" 

As soon as Yusuf had heard the word 'hayati,' all his thoughts went offline, and he heard nothing except for his racing thoughts. When had Nico learned Arabic? Arabic endearments no less? Yusuf's heart stopped, his breath hitched, and all he heard was Nico's voice saying 'hayati' over and over, and he knew that going slow was going to be _torture._ They were already so close and hadn't even removed their clothes yet. 

The situation required he remedy that issue. If Nico used another endearment like that, Yusuf would surely ruin his pants as he died of bliss. And he wouldn't even be upset about the ruined clothing, not if it meant he could hear all that Nico had learned, hear that familiar and comforting language that he ached for in this town of Anglos and English.

"So cruel, azizti," Yusuf gasped, smiling widely at the sass and confidence in Nico. It was refreshing and made laughs bubble out of him without permission, made his cheeks hurt from smiling so much, his heart sore from carrying all his love. He pressed kisses down Nico's neck and collarbones, enjoying the red marks he left behind for all to see. "I want to see you undress for me, can you do that for me?"

Nico blushed, unused to undressing being part of foreplay- normally, clothes were an obstacle to sex that had to be surmounted, not a tool to tease with. It was arousing, he admitted, knowing that Yusuf would just sit and watch him slowly take off his clothes, reveal himself slowly, bare himself completely and trust that Yusuf would accept all he was.

Would Yusuf be undressed too? Would he be casually sitting on the bed, legs spread wide, his hand slowly moving up and down his hard dick, precome slicking the way and beading at the tip, moaning as he watched Nico strip?

He could feel his dick responding to that image alone.

Nico had to clear his throat before he could answer, mouth dry in anticipation. Fuck, he wanted this so much. Wanted to be admired and desired and make Yusuf come just from _looking_ at him-

"Yes, Yusuf," was his quiet yet intense reply. He watched Yusuf's eyes darken, and he stepped out of his arms. He began to pull off his ascot while Yusuf went to sit on the bed, still dressed. His fingers shook at the look of hunger on Yusuf's face. 

Hands drifting to his vest next, he got his fingers under control, and was able to undo his three buttons easily, not breaking eye contact. Yusuf was sitting on the bed, just like he had imagined, but he was perched on the edge, intently focused on Nico, hands fisted in the sheets to keep himself from leaping up.

Gaining confidence at seeing Yusuf so overcome, Nico slid his vest off with a shimmy, and began to unbutton his shirt from the top, hands dragging over his chest. The fabric parted slowly as he went, and he couldn't hold back from pinching his nipples when he reached them, moaning in pleasure as he forgot Yusuf was even watching. 

His hips thrust weakly, trying to chase that feeling but unable to. He opened his eyes to see Yusuf barely on the bed anymore, a look of absolute _need_ written plain on his face, his hand pressed tightly to the front of his pants.

"Will you come for me, albi?" Nico teased, grinning wickedly as Yusuf continued to be undone in front of him, _because_ of him. "I want you to," he whispered, sliding his shirt down his shoulders, past his upper arms, stopping and leaving it hanging gently from his wrists. He let it drop to the floor, focusing on Yusuf.

"I will too," Nico promised, hands sliding sensually down his chest, pinching his nipples again, hips thrusting, hands going past his stomach, resting at the top of his pants. "Anywhere you want," he promised, already knowing that he wasn't going to last going slow, waiting until Yusuf was in him, was entwined with him, was as close as two people could be. Nico looked forward to when that would happen, loved already how desperate they both were. Loved how _he_ felt, how good _everything_ felt, Yusuf's eyes never leaving him, the heat curling in his pelvis. He could feel how close he was.

Yusuf choked out: "Yes, love, yes- I'm so close, please-" 

Nico smirked as he thumbed open his pants, taking a moment to brush against his dick, hissing in pleasure and feeling himself twitch. He could see Yusuf lick his lips, letting out a loud moan. Yusuf would surely die before they got around to having sex, he felt as if he was burning up from the inside.

The fabric of Nico's pants was tight as he slid them down his legs, dick pressing solidly against his undergarments, and he watched Yusuf hurriedly strip out of his own clothes, tossing them aside without even glancing away from Nico. 

Yusuf's dick was flushed, his hand wrapped tightly around the base trying to hold off his nearing orgasm, thrusting absently. Nico licked his lips at the sight, itching with the need to fall to his knees and get his mouth around Yusuf's weeping cock.

The moment his undergarments slipped off, Yusuf was on him, pressing close and pulling him into a deep kiss, grinding against him in the best of ways. 

"Fuck, you amazing man," Yusuf gasped as he pulled Nico's head to the side with a tight grip in his hair, biting down his neck. "You'll be the death of me, a death I eagerly submit to, if only to stay like this." 

The heat in his belly was growing, Nico getting closer to the peak. His dick was rubbing slickly against Yusuf's stomach, leaving stripes of precome behind. His thrusts were growing erratic, and he could feel the same happening the Yusuf. He gripped Yusuf's waist tightly, pulling him even closer. 

"As if you will not be the death of me as well, dearheart," Nico panted, moaning in pleasure and Yusuf bit down on his collarbone. 

"Just like this, Nico, just like this," Yusuf gasped. "I want you to come on me, just like this, mark me, I want to feel you." He reached a hand between them, fisting Nico's cock, not letting up as Nico shook in his grasp.

All that existed was Yusuf's hot, tight grip, and Nico couldn't think beyond that. All he could hear was the sound of his heart racing in his ears, Yusuf's voice, Yusuf's _begging._ That was what finally pushed him over the edge, what made his balls tighten and his mind go blank with pleasure, muscles seizing and everything falling away except for the pleasure rushing through him.

When he came back to himself, his throat hurt and his head was still fuzzy with afterglow. He blinked at Yusuf, and was rewarded with Yusuf's own blissed-out expression, lips bitten red, eyes shut, mouth lax, and stripes of come across his dick and chest. His hands were slowly moving up and down his cock, pulling the last of his orgasm out and trembling with the aftershocks. 

Nico had never seen a more beautiful sight. 

Yusuf's skin tasted salty and amazing beneath Nico's tongue as he kissed and sucked down his neck, delighting in the small gasps he drew from Yusuf.

"Nico," Yusuf breathed, burying his nose in Nico's hair. 

"Yusuf," Nico replied, carefully leading Yusuf towards the bed, stumbling slightly on weak legs. 

Yusuf smiled as he fell back onto the bed, Nico climbing in beside him and laying on his chest. He wrapped an arm around Nico's waist, pulling a blanket over them both. He felt like he was floating, drifting, like nothing bad in the world could touch him. They were all that existed, he and Nico. 

"You never mentioned," Yusuf began, enjoying the feeling of Nico's hand trailing up and down his side listlessly, "what that book was."

"Hmmm?"

"You had a book, in your hands when we ran into each other earlier. I've never seen you with it?" 

"Already thinking of books?" Nico teased, laughing softly. "Am I so unable to keep your attention?"

Yusuf laughed, pulling him closer. "If there were books detailing your life, I'm afraid I'd never read anything else."

"If there were books detailing my life, I'm afraid they'd be very short."

"Then," Yusuf stated, "we'll have to do our best to fill as many pages as we can."

"What a romantic you are," Nico replied, not hiding his blush at such an intense declaration. He closed his eyes, lulled by the sound of Yusuf's heartbeat and the rising of his chest. He was a warm weight that sent him drifting into comfortable sleep.

* * *

When Yusuf opened his eyes, the moon now hanging low in the sky. Nico was bathed in moonlight, glowing softly, face relaxed. He couldn't argue that Nico looked stressed in the daylight, but the weight he seemed to carry inside of himself was absent now, his eyes closed softly and mouth slight agape.

He was beautiful.

How long he admired the way the light played over Nico's skin, the way his eyelashes fell against his cheek, the tightness of his grip on Yusuf's shoulder- he couldn't say. As he was admiring, Nico's eyes fluttered open slowly, and he blurrily looked around until he spotted Yusuf, breaking into a sweet smile.

"Hello, my dear," Nico rasped, looking adoringly at him. 

"My love," Yusuf replied, leaning down and kissing Nico softly, losing himself in the gentle press of their lips. Tenderly, oh so tenderly, Nico cupped his face, tilting Yusuf's head, deepening the kiss and slowly exploring Yusuf's mouth, licking into him and sharing breath.

If time was to freeze in a single moment, Yusuf would be happy to live forever in this moment, to spend it with Nico in his arms, trading kisses back and forth, to show Nico all the love he felt that filled him and overwhelmed him and made him feel immortal.

"Yusuf, hayati," Nico whispered, pressing kisses to Yusuf's lips, "please." 

Yusuf kissed back before pulling away, eyes soft with wonder. "Where do you know that word from, Nico?" He was so surprised earlier, delighted, at hearing the endearment uttered casually like it had not turned his world upside down.

Nico's smirk was ruined by his lips quirking into a smile. He hadn't planned on saying anything, at least not before he learned more Arabic, but-

Well, the word had been tucked behind his teeth for months, shaped meticulously by his tongue over and over, mouthed silently as his thoughts were occupied with Yusuf and all that they could be. It wasn't surprising he had slipped up, that his love had been made physical, presented without reserve or hesitation. It was inevitable, and it only warmed his heart more to see how much it meant to Yusuf.

"I've been trying to learn," he said quietly, looking at Yusuf's dazed expression. 

"Is that what your book was about?" 

Nico laughed, almost forgetting their earlier conversation from just before they fell asleep. "No, I've been learning from some of the older ladies in the next town over. No, the book is an Arabic poetry book I thought you might like." 

_"Nico."_

"Of course, I've no idea if it's any good," Nico admitted, going quiet as Yusuf kissed him fiercely, poured himself into kissing him back, hands grasping tightly around his shoulders and legs tangling together. 

Never had he thought that approaching a beautiful man sitting alone in a library, sauntering up for a quick amusement and instead being taken immediately with such a witty and smart man. Never had he thought he would fall so far, would have his world turned upside down, that how he lived before had been shades of grey compared to all the color and possibility a life could truly hold. To have had the chance to meet, the opportunity that easily could have passed by without recognition, was a true gift that he would never be able to repay. He could thank God every day, and still never be able to convey how thankful he was to have approached such an amazing man on an ordinary day in such a frivolous manner.

"If it is from you," Yusuf said as he pulled back, "it can be nothing but good."

Nico blushed, still unused to such vehement declarations woven with love. 

"And you?" Nico asked, unable to handle anymore compliments at the moment. "What book were you reading?"

"A book of your favorite poems."

Nico shook his head in confusion, "I don't have any favorite poems?"

Yusuf only laughed, brushing some hair from Nico's face. "Not directly," he admitted, "but I know which ones you love hearing me read the most." 

"Terrible romantic," Nico muttered, feeling like his chest was going to burst at the notion that Yusuf has seen him so completely, has watched him and knew things about him that even Nico himself was unaware of. How could he have been so lucky?

"Always for you," Yusuf replied, tipping Nico's face up so that he could kiss him.

They kissed and lost themselves in the feeling, unhurried, uncaring, and unaware. It was familiar, _everything_ felt familiar between them. When it came to this feeling, this completely immersing love, their touches, who they _were_ when together- it felt like home, it felt like they were two halves finally meeting again, destined to fall together. There was no other way they could be.

When the buzzing under his skin became unbearable, Yusuf pulled back and looked Nico intently in the eye. "Can I do this Nico? Can I take my time, show you exactly how I feel? Will you let me?" 

Laughing, "Of course, amore mio, always." 

Yusuf smiled in reply, swallowing past the beauty of Nico spread before him, naked in the moonlight, trust and compassion in his eyes, giving himself over completely. 

Grabbing the oil from his bedside table, Yusuf encouraged Nico to lay back, pillow under his lower back, legs spread. He kissed his way down Nico's body, groaning when he felt hands in his hair holding him gently. The oil was cold, and he rubbed it between his fingers to warm it up before tracing a teasing line from Nico's dick, to behind his balls, to his opening, where he gently rubbed over the tight muscles. 

Nico moaned at the feeling, relaxing under Yusuf's ministrations. It felt amazing, and Yusuf was barely doing anything to him. It was heady, just knowing what would happen, what Yusuf was going to do to him.

He wanted it, wanted Yusuf _in_ him.

When Yusuf gently pushed a finger in, barely even up to his first knuckle, Nico's breath hitched in his chest. It was so good, he wanted more, he wanted to feel Yusuf so deep inside him that they felt like one person, would never be able to wash Yusuf out of him.

"Fuck, Nico," Yusuf breathed, "you feel so good." 

Nico snorted. "You're barely even in me."

"And I'm sure you'll feel _even_ better then," Yusuf snarked back, biting at the inside of Nico's thigh. 

Yusuf continued to stretch Nico open, Nico doing his best to relax, but it wasn't long before he was clenching around Yusuf's fingers, moaning as he tried to get Yusuf to go deeper, to fuck him _properly._

When Yusuf found Nico's prostate and ran his fingers over it, Nico jolted and cursed, trying to get away from such raw pleasure and also push desperately closer, cursing at Yusuf when he only laughed and went back to scissoring him open. Seeing Nico trying so hard to take Yusuf's finger deeper, feeling him clench, feeling how hot and _tight_ he was, Yusuf couldn't keep himself from grinding against the bed.

"Yusuf, please," Nico panted, hands tightening in Yusuf's hair, hips thrusting to try and get him deeper. "Please, I need you in me, please- I'm so empty, Yusuf, just _fuck_ me already-"

Yusuf laughed, "Do you think that will make me fuck you quicker? I told you I was going to take my time." 

"I swear," Nico said, pulling Yusuf up into a crushing kiss, desperate and full of teeth, "I will hold you down and fuck myself on your cock if I have to-"

Yusuf moaned, dick leaking at the thought of Nico riding him, holding his arms down, strong thighs wrapped around his waist, back arched in pleasure, nails scrabbling at his chest, being _used_ by Nico-

"Oh," Nico purred, "you like that, don't you?"

"If you keep talking like that," Yusuf muttered, finally taking himself in hand, "then we really won't get around to me fucking you-"

"We aren't even getting around to it now, love!-" His sentence cut off suddenly, _finally_ feeling Yusuf's cock against his hole, large and throbbing, slowly starting to push in, and all thoughts fled his mind. 

"Mmmm," Yusuf chuckled, taking his time pressing in, eyes closed in exhilaration as he felt Nico surround him, searing and snug, absolutely _perfect._ He could come in that moment alone. "What were you saying, ya amar?" 

Nico's eyes were blown, swallowing heavily as he adjusted to the feeling of Yusuf pressing in and then pulling back, tiny thrusts to get used to him. He was big, yes, and Nico felt like he was going to burst from the feeling, and he _loved_ it, loved it loved it loved it.

Yusuf felt breathtaking in him, felt perfect, mind-blowing, like everything he needed.

"Fuck," he cursed, grabbing onto Yusuf's shoulders as his mind struggled to process all of the sensations of Yusuf thrusting deeper and deeper, creating a wondrous dragging in him. 

"You're beautiful like this."

Nico opened his eyes- when had he closed them? To see Yusuf's full attention on him, moonlight back-lighting him as he fucked into Nico slowly, tantalizingly, and it made Nico want to _beg,_ beg for this to continue forever, beg to never see anything else, to drown completely in Yusuf.

There was no response he could think of, couldn't even think, and he was finally pulling his thoughts together when Yusuf grazed against his prostate, causing fireworks of pleasure to shoot through him, lighting up his nerves, making him jerk and clench hard-

" _Fuck,_ Nico," Yusuf panted, hips stuttering at the feeling, and he buried his face in Nico's neck. Everything felt _amazing,_ he didn't know how much longer he would last. Nico just felt too incredible, he was too in love with him, was surrounded by him and needed to be even _closer._

"More," Nico gasped, hands grabbing and pulling at Yusuf's ass. "More, please, harder-"

He hoisted one of Nico's legs to his waist, groaning as he slid even _deeper_ into that tight warmth, his thoughts abandoning him as he bottomed out, cock brushing Nico's prostate again, balls pressing against Nico's ass.

"Harder, Yusuf, please!" Nico cried, jolting Yusuf back into action. He pulled out slowly before thrusting in sharply, body slapping obscenely, almost loud enough to drown out Nico's blown out breaths. With each thrust, Nico didn't have time to recover, Yusuf already slamming back into him, causing him to continuously whimper and keen over and over. 

"Yes yes yes yes," Nico chanted as Yusuf set up a brutal pace, fucking deep into Nico and wanting to be closer still. He was in a daze, Nico was whining into his mouth, kisses turning into slick licks and open mouth panting. Nico's body slid higher up the bed with each thrust, and Nico happily took it all, holding tighter to Yusuf's shoulders and clenching hard each time Yusuf hit his prostate, sparks shooting through his body. 

Yusuf could feel the tightening of his balls, that furl of heat burning deep in his pelvis, could feel his hips stuttering as he got closer and closer.

"I'm close," he panted against Nico's spit-slick lips.

"Me too," Nico responded, hands scrabbling against Yusuf's back. 

"Good." He slammed back into Nico, knowing he was going to come soon. "Touch yourself." 

"What?" 

"I said 'touch yourself,' I want to feel you come around me." 

"Fuck, Yusuf," Nico said, putting a hand between them, quickly beginning to jerk himself off.

Yusuf could feel the spasms around his cock as Nico neared completion, and he barely had time to slam deep into Nico as he came- come spurting out of him, hips stuttering and brain going numb in pleasure, extended as Nico clenched around him, coming at the same time, calling Yusuf's name as he felt Yusuf come inside him, stroked his cock to prolong his orgasm, eyes shut as he basked in the sensations of being filled and coming at the same time, losing himself to it all.

When he came back to awareness, he felt Yusuf still thrusting shallowly into him, lips bitten as he rode the last of his own orgasm to completion, and Nico could only think about how magnificent he looked; hair askew, sweat shining, back arched, head thrown back, red scratches littering his body. 

He shuddered one last time as Yusuf stopped moving, resting before he gently moved Nico's leg from his waist, not pulling out as he laid down and pulled Nico close.

His cock was so big, buried inside Nico still, and Nico loved it. Loved feeling him still connected, still deep inside of him. He squirmed and smirked when Yusuf hissed and mock glared at him.

"Enjoying yourself?" Yusuf teased, hands on Nico's waist.

"Immensely," Nico replied, smiling innocently. He laid his head on Yusuf's shoulder, uncaring that waking up like this would be very uncomfortable, especially with Yusuf's come still inside him.

Yusuf must have had the same thoughts, "You need to let me up so I can clean us." 

"Noooo," Nico whined. 

"I know, my dear," Yusuf said fondly but firmly, taking Nico's hands off of him. He pulled out, standing up and heading to the sink in the corner. Wetting a cloth, he returned to bed where Nico was on the edge of sleep.

"Almost done." He wiped at Nico's chest, legs, and ass, making sure he was clean. He wiped his own chest and dick before he placed the cloth on the sink edge and returned to bed. The room was warm, yet he pulled the blankets up and bundled Nico into his arms. 

"Sleep now, ya amar," he whispered, kissing Nico's forehead tenderly.

"'dreams," Nico replied, already tipping into sleep. Yusuf smiled fondly at the man in his arms, thunderstruck with the knowledge that they had only met by chance, that they could have lived a million lives and never known each other, never found his other half. What was a simple passing in the library, a small pique of interest in someone else, compared to size of their love? 

He laid awake, watching the moonlight shine on Nico's skin, watching Nico sleep soundly in his arms, before he too, followed into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope everyone enjoyed this chapter! pls leave kudos', comments, inarticulate screaming! i rly rly appreciate it so much, it rly makes my week <3 <3 
> 
> i remmber the other thing! translations!  
> hayati = my life  
> albi = my heart  
> ya amar = my moon/bright light shining in dark night  
> (idk this language, pls lmk if any of these are wrong! <3 )
> 
> (reminder that sex-ed is v important! and that what happens in fics isn't always what is needed/safe. for example, when having penetrative anal sex, remember that you have to prep for it (not just in terms of stretching, etc) but in enemas, bathrooms, showers, etc etc, and that wearing a condom is super duper important! i'm prbs mising some stuff, but again, kinda tired sorry. just remember that fic sex isn't always safe sex!)
> 
> WE'RE FINALLY GOING TO HAVE THE PLOT! IT'S HAPPENING, HOLY SHIT, IT'S GOING DOWN! We get to meet Nile next chapter! It's gonna hurt these next few updates, but in a pride and prejudice way and also know that there is a v v happy ending! everything's going to be spectacular.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI PEOPLE!  
> I've finally returned from the war, and have missed you all most assiduously. Knowing I'd come back to you all and writing has kept me afloat! 
> 
> SO.   
> WE'VE ARRIVED. It's finally plot time! Well, the plot that I dreamed up in a frenzy many months ago, and then it kept getting further away as the story actually developed small plot lead up to it. IT HAS HAPPENED. Obviously, it's a bit different from what was prophecized so long ago, but I think I like this a bit better for right now. Luckily for you, it means the angst chapters following will actually be a bit shorter, so the happy ending will come quicker!   
> Anyways, this is not The chapter I'm most excited about, though that will come latter and I'll totally freak when that happens :D 
> 
> (So i've incorporated some arabic into this chapter again. I've cross referenced a few sites to get the vocab correct. Anyways. 'Umma' is a version of mom/mommy. 'Khaal' is uncle, when it is the mother's brother. Please let me know if these are incorrect or anything!)
> 
> Okay, so tw's for this chapter. There is the mention/discussion of an illness/disease growing in North Africa (not graphic, but might be uncomfy reminder of present times). There is the off-stage character death of a minor character (not graphic either). Then sadness, angst, misunderstandings. (I'm gonna add these tags to the fic too, don't worry <3 )
> 
> Have fun, my dears!

For weeks afterward, things were almost perfect. He and Nico would still meet and talk, walk around, read, anything. Touches and stolen moments became more frequent, falling asleep next to one another and waking in loving arms became natural. 

To Yusuf, life was almost perfect. He had a decent job, he had his place in the library, and he had a magnificent man by his side. Seeing a true smile on Nico's face was more rewarding than reading a thousand books, basking in bright summer days, and seeing the sun rise on the horizon.

No, the only issue was his family. And their situation. The illness that had been sweeping toward them had arrived, and though his sister wrote frequently, assuring him of their continued health and safety, the knowledge that he could do nothing to help them was a heavy weight in his stomach. He could do nothing from here in London, he could only send more money than he normally did with each letter, praying that it would mean they would survive.

It was Nico who helped him the most, who would sit by his side in support and comfort, read to him when his thoughts were too fast, held him as he cried and fell apart. 

"My dear," Nico said softly, candlelight playing on his skin as they lay on Yusuf's small bed. "You are doing all that you can." 

"Am I? Truly? It does not feel like it." 

Nico gently brushed Yusuf's hair from his eyes, forcing him to meet his stare. "Yes, you have done more than anyone could ever ask." 

"I could go to Morocco-"

"And become ill yourself?" He shook his head. "A dead man can help no one, not even one so noble as yourself." 

They laid in silence, thoughts drifting and coalescing, dispersing and redirected. All that felt real was their skin pressed together, arms around each other, the soft tradings of kisses. 

"Is this-" Yusuf cleared his throat. "Was this how you felt, when you were a child?" 

Nico didn't pretend not to know what he meant, he'd never do that to Yusuf. Letting him know that he wouldn't talk about something as opposed to pretending it didn't exist was what Yusuf truly deserved. 

"Yes and no," he replied, shifting to lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. Yusuf could just make out his eyes in the darkness, the light blocked by Yusuf's back. "Yes, in that I felt powerless in the face of such disease, in the face of death and the dying, in believing the world would ever be okay again." 

Yusuf grabbed his hand as he paused, feeling Nico's heart race.

"No, in that there was no help for us. We had no money, barely any food, it was my mother and I alone. What could I give her, being so young myself?" 

Yusuf could say nothing in reply, could only squeeze Nico's hand tight as Nico blinked rapidly, trying his best not to cry. Yusuf's heart ached at the sight. 

Eventually, Nico moved to curl up against Yusuf, head resting on his chest and hands clasped tight. 

"So," he said quietly, "when I say that you are doing all that you can, you truly are, you are doing more than the expected, so much more, hayati, I promise you." He pressed a kiss to Yusuf's chest. "You are doing so much, and they are surely grateful each and every day, knowing that you are looking out for them, that you love them so much you would go to them just for the _chance_ to help them. My love, my sun, you are kind beyond measure and strong beyond belief. I know this with all my heart." 

He couldn't stop the tears from falling, not with how certain Nico's voice rang, not with how much love was weaved into every word. He had thought he wasn't doing enough, it ate away at him each day, and for Nico to reassure him, to wipe away his doubts and insecurities in no uncertain terms- it was what he had needed to hear and yet he had not known it. 

Somehow, Nico knew exactly what he needed to hear. 

"Thank you, Nico." He kissed the top of Nico's head, burying his face there. "You are far more than I deserve in this life." 

"And you are far more than I deserve in any life, my love." 

* * *

_Knock Knock_

Yusuf looked up from his desk, absently putting down his book at the sound of knocking on his door. 

What could someone possibly need him for at almost six in the morning?

Luckily, he had already been awake and dressed for the day, having woken up early and been sidetracked completely by his books and papers. It was a good thing he had no plans to meet with Nico today, is someone had not knocked on his door he would most likely have been sucked into his reading for hours. 

_Knock Knock_

Yes, the door that he needed to open. He stood hurriedly and went to the door, unlocking and pulling it open. 

"Mister Joseph Cassan?" 

In front of him stood a man in nice, but worn clothes, fair hair pressed backwards, expressive and sad eyes, with his hands behind his back. 

Yusuf had no idea who he was.

"Yes," he replied, "a pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Mr.?" 

"Mister Sebastien Booker, the pleasure is mine." 

They stared awkwardly at each other a moment, Yusuf still holding open the door and Mr. Booker standing calmly in the hall. Yusuf peered around him to see if anyone else was there, but the hallway was empty of anyone else. 

He cleared his throat. "And how may I help you today, Mr. Booker?"

Mr. Booker blinked a few times before shaking his head. "Ah, yes. Apologies, it's been a long night for me. I am from an orphanage outside the city, and your presence is requested there at your earliest ability." 

Yusuf's stomach dropped. "...an or-orphanage?" 

"Yes, sir," Booker nodded, looking him up and down as though assessing him. "Please grab your daily belongings, including identification and any important papers, such as a will or list of next of kin." 

He couldn't think past the ringing in his ears. "...next-of-"

"Next of kin, precisely," Mr. Booker said, grimacing in sympathy at Yusuf standing frozen in the doorway. He looked him over again and seemed to come to a conclusion. 

"C'mon, mate," Mr. Booker said, posture relaxing and words no longer crisp and polite. He pushed past Yusuf into his room, walking straight to his desk. He opened the drawer and immediately found Yusuf's identification, and Yusuf took it numbly when offered. 

"Don't worry, Joe," Mr. Booker continued, making his way to Yusuf's cupboard. "Nothing bad has happened at all," he grabbed Yusuf's pocket watch from the shelf and handed it to him, Yusuf absently putting it in his pocket next to his identification. "In fact, if one could be bold, mate- this might be an alright day, not that I know much personally about you or anything." 

By this point, Mr. Booker was back in front of Yusuf, and had pulled Yusuf's coat from the back of the door and had placed it on Yusuf's shoulders, wiping away imaginary dust as he did so. 

"There we go, that seems about all." He smiled thinly, eyes never once having lost their look of sadness as he had gotten Yusuf ready. 

It wasn't until Mr. Booker was pushing him into the hallway, locking the door, and then handing him his own keys that Yusuf's brain finally began to work again. 

"I'm sorry," he said as he was herded out of the building to a waiting carriage. "What is going on?" 

Mr. Booker easily hopped onto the seat and gave Yusuf a hand up to sit beside him. "Joe, I am from an orphanage outside the city, like I said earlier." He lips quirked slightly, and he looked ahead as he urged the horses to begin their walk down the street. The street was filled with people heading to work, those who were returning from the late night shift, and a number of coachmen that never seemed to change despite the hour. "And someone there asked for you, so here I am to take you." 

Yusuf took a deep breath, trying to settle his racing thoughts.

He was being called to an orphanage. And the only reason he would be called to an orphanage was if Nile-

And that meant that something had happened to his sis-

"Hey Joe."

He was knocked out of his spiraling by Mr. Booker jostling him. He opened his eyes to see Mr. Booker looking at him, this time his expression finally matched the heartbreak in his eyes. 

"I don't know exactly what's happened, but I know that you most likely have a kid waiting for you right now, one who needs a lot of care and reassurance." He swallowed thickly before his eyes steeled. "So you break down all you need on the ride over, you cry or anything. But the moment you walk in their, you gotta be strong, you've gotta be there for them and help them and love them more than you've ever loved anything else. You're all they got now." He looked forward again, keeping his gaze away from Yusuf. "So, you take all the time you need, Joe- this carriage and I are no strangers to sadness."

* * *

Mr. Booker was right, Yusuf knew, so by the time they approached the orphanage, he had stopped crying, wiped his tears, and straightened his clothes out. He needed to be strong, and he would be a rock in a story me sea for-

For _Nile._

How was he supposed to do this? He didn't know. His sister must be dead, Nile was here, and suddenly he had a child in his life to take care of and love. But he had to, and he _wanted_ to, and that had never stopped him before. No, he would do right by Nile, and raise her and support her in anyway she needed.

Hopefully Nico-

"Alright," Mr. Booker interrupted, drawing the carriage to a halt. "Here we are, Mr. Cassan," he hopped down, Yusuf following as he took in the building. It was made of old, grey stone, had ivy climbing up the walls, looked a bit shabby, but in the morning light he could see all the love and tending that went into it. There were toys scattered about the lawn, curtains of mismatching fabrics hanging in the windows, and as they went inside, small hooks with children's coats on them, cubbies with shoes, and scratch marks along the walls.

It looked like a wonderful place to grow up. 

Walking down the halls, he craned his neck to see if he could spot Nile or any children, but it seemed there was no one around. Mr. Booker nodded in understanding.

"Breakfast time, sir." The formalities seemed to be back, not surprising given they were now firmly in Mr. Booker's working place. He smiled slightly. "They'll be done soon, sir, and you'll know by the storm of pounding feet through the halls." 

"Of course," Yusuf said, still a little bit in shock from the morning alone. 

Pushing open a heavy wooden door, Mr. Booker gestured him in to a room with thick carpet, a desk with two chairs in front of it, and cabinets against a far wall. Sitting behind the desk was a woman with a severe face, hair pulled into a tight bun, and dressed similar to Mr. Booker- in sensible clothes a tad bit worn. Yusuf got the feeling that this was most likely due to working with children. 

"Hello, Mr. Cassan," she said, coming around the desk. "My name is Ms. Andromache, thank you for coming." She shook Yusuf's hand perfunctorily, before she waved him to a seat. He sat down as she came to the seat next to his and turned towards him. She looked at him appraisingly, and he had to remind himself not to fidget under her sharp gaze. 

He was still slightly put off- again, what a confusing and nerve-wracking morning already. "How may I help you, Ms. Andromache?" 

She nodded approvingly. "As you may have guessed, we have recently acquired a child by the name of Nile al-Kaysani." 

His heart stopped, and he had to close his eyes and take a shaky breath, thoughts crashing against one another. 

So it was true then, it was all terribly true. 

Ms. Andromache waited patiently for him to compose himself, not revealing how she felt about his break in convention. 

"How-" He had to clear his throat. "What- what happened?"

She glanced at the papers, but Yusuf got the feeling she was giving him more time to recover, not reading because she didn't know what had happened.

"Nile al-Kaysani was brought to us by a young gentleman from the nearby docks. She had arrived there by boat from Morocco, where she had been placed after her mother had died from illness." She looked him over again, eyes softening just a bit. "My condolences, Mr. Cassan," she said briefly before going back to her explanation. "Apparently, one of her neighbors had brought her to the boat after her mothers death, and Ms. al-Kaysani had saved enough money to afford a ticket for Nile to come here. The neighbor brought her to the boat, and entrusted her to someone she knew who was also on the boat- the young gentleman who delivered her here. After many days on the ship, with passengers who continued to get sick and perish from the illness, she and the gentleman arrived here. Using the money that Ms. al-Kaysani had given Nile, they hired a coachman to bring them here." The look on Yusuf's face gave her pause, and she gently set the papers down before turning to him again, a slight frown on her face.

"Mr. Cassan. This is a difficult morning and difficult news to hear. But take a moment to appreciate how lucky and miraculous the situation truly is. Your sister had been prepared for such a terrible occurrence with great skill. She had truly amazing neighbors and friends, and was able to get a scared and grieving six year old out from Morocco, across the sea, to England, and to an orphanage, with directions and a note about how to contact you and what Nile would need. Not every parent, not every _person_ is as smart and resourceful as her, nor as strong to give her child a chance at a decent life in another country, with no assurance that her directions be followed, that her child would be safe." 

She placed a hand over his, and he got the feeling this was more emotion than she usually indulged in. "Yusuf-" 

"How do you know my name?" He interrupted, shocked. "It's not-" 

"Please," she glared at him. "A child from Morocco with a name like that, is sent to her find her uncle, who has a similar anglicized name? I am not foolish, and it is certainly not hard to see when one has had to change their name to better fit such a displeasing place." 

He laughed softly, shaking his head. "You remind me of someone I know." 

Again, she looked at him appraisingly, and Yusuf no longer felt uncomfortable when faced with it. Ms. Andromache seemed to have the ability to know everything about a person just by looking at them. 

Before he can say something, he's interrupted by a loud noise coming from the hallway. It sounds like a growing wave crashing to shore, the sound of large streets filled with people, horses galloping by, and it takes him a second to realize it was what Mr. Booker had described to him earlier- the sound of many tiny feet running past in the hallway, shoes hitting the wooden floors and the children chattering to each other quietly. 

Looking back, Ms. Andromache's lips were quirked slightly, amusement shining in her eyes. 

A knock interrupted the noise of the gentle stampede, and in walked Mr. Booker holding the hand of a small child.

_Nile-_

"Nile?" Yusuf choked out, barely believing his eyes. He had been sent pictures, of course, he had met her once a long time ago when she was born, but somehow, somehow he had never thought too deeply about what she looked like, about her being his sister's child.

 _She looks so much like her mother,_ he thought desperately, standing up slowly from his seat. _I would know her in a crowd of thousands._

Mr. Booker nudged her forward, smiling at her in reassurance to approach Yusuf. As she slowly stepped forward, Yusuf fell to his knees, remembering that he needed to be the strong one here. He held out his hand with a smile.

"Hello, Nile," he said, taking her small hand in his. "My name is Yusuf, do you know who I am?" 

She nodded shyly. "Khaal Yusuf." 

"Yes, that's me. Do you know what's going on?" 

Again, she nodded shyly, looking back to Mr. Booker before responding. "Umma got sick and died. So I had to come here to live with you." 

Yusuf nodded in response, not letting it show that his inside were twisting painfully at the fact that Nile knew exactly what was going on, what had happened, what had happened to her mother, and still was able to trust people she had never met before to take care of her. "Yes, I'm going to take care of you now, and I hope to make you happy. Is that satisfactory to you?" 

"I'll live with you?" 

"Yes," he replied, looking back to Ms. Andromache, who nodded at him. "You'll come live with me, but we can come back here to visit your friends." 

At that declaration, Nile gave him a wide smile and stepped forward to give him a tentative hug, little arms trying their best to wrap around him. He almost choked up again, eyes going misty at Nile hugging him for the first time in his life. 

"Nile," Mr. Booker interrupted softly, "your uncle and Ms. Andromache have to do some paperwork, would you like to accompany to the other children, where you can say goodbye?" 

"Yes!" She said, quickly bounding over and grabbing Mr. Booker's hand, all hesitance around Yusuf gone with barely a trace. "Can we say goodbye to Ms. Quynh too?" 

"Of course, little one." Mr. Booker closed the door behind them, and Yusuf slowly straightened and turned to face Ms. Andromache.

"The usual paperwork," she said, grabbing her pile of papers again. She began to lay them out on the desk. "Adoption papers, proof of identity, the records of her arrival and departure here at the orphanage, and a few others. Nothing complex." 

"Of course," Yusuf replied, thankful that Mr. Booker had barged into his room earlier and grabbed what Yusuf would have surely left behind. 

* * *

As she had said, the paperwork did not take long, and before he knew it, he and Ms. Andromache were finished and walking to the room where Nile and the others were. They passed many rooms, and Yusuf peeked into each, seeing desks and chairs, toys, bathrooms with step stools everywhere, couches, and everything in between. 

"Yes," Ms. Andromache said out of nowhere as he finished peeking into another room, "we are very lucky to have such a large house for the orphanage, it has served us well over the years, and we've yet to run out of space." 

"When did you acquire it?" 

"Oh, around ten years ago or so." 

"That recently?" 

"No need to look so surprised, Mr. al-Kaysani," she said with quirked lips. "It may not look like it, but compared to other orphanages, we have not been around that long. Though I think that works in our case, we aren't beholden to long, static rules and operations, and have been able to do what we like in regards to running the orphanage." 

"And you have done a terrific job," Yusuf complimented, digesting all the information he was learning. It would make sense that an orphanage starting afresh would be able to function how they like, and Yusuf couldn't imagine a better place to live in, not when he knew what other orphanages could look like. "Was there any particular reason you founded this orphanage?" 

At this question, Ms. Andromache's eyes became mischievous, though her face remained exactly the same as before. So much so, that had Yusuf not been watching her when he asked his question, he never would have noticed. 

"We fell into some unexpected luck, you could say," she smiled benignly, "and it seemed clear at the time that this is what we were meant to do, as if fate had pulled the strings together herself." 

"Well," he said, unable to parse the meaning in her vague answer, "I'm glad that it happened, and that it has led Nile to me when she needed me most." 

"Of course," said Ms. Andromache, coming to a halt in front of a doorway, many voices spilling out into the hall from the inside. "And here is Nile, if you'd like to go in." 

"Thank you, Ms. Andromache," he said graciously, stepping past her into the room. Large windows let in the morning sun, lighting up the room and the kids happily playing inside. On the walls hung pictures the children had drawn, crafts were scattered on small tables around the room, and most of the kids were sitting at the tables chattering and focusing intently on their projects. 

"Khaal Yusuf!" Nile cried, running over from her table to ram into his legs, excitedly brandishing the craft she had been working on. "Look what I made, it's a telesecoop! It can see the stars and the night sky!" 

"Good job!" He said enthusiastically, taking the tubular shaped item from her hands. "I love what you've-" 

_**SCREECH** _

He quickly looked up at the noise of a chair scraping across the floor, and was astounded to see _Nico_ standing up from a table- he must have been sitting with them, because Yusuf had not even seen him when he came in for Nile. This was the last place he'd expected to ever see Nico, at a little orphanage outside the city, making crafts and playing with the young children. Why was he here? Did he have some illegitimate child- as soon as that question crossed his mind he winced in shame. Nico would never do something like that. He may not know all of Nico's secrets, but he knew that Nico was a kind and loving man, not someone who would give a child away and only visit instead. No, there was some other reason.

  
"Nico?" He asked softly, as though he would spook Nico, who was standing frozen, fists clenched and eyes closed tightly. "What are you doing here?"

"Khaal Yusuf, you know Mr. Nico?!" Nile asked, bouncing up and down in excitement. 

"Yes," he replied absently, watching Nico open his eyes and look at him. "I do know him. Are you alright, Nico?" 

The man seemed to unstick himself, flexing his hands out and taking a step backward. He cleared his throat, eyes darting around nervously. "I... uh, yes. I- I'm quite fine, thank you..." 

Yusuf took a step forward, concern lacing his voice. "Are you sure? You look-"

"Yes," Nico interrupted, smiling thinly. His face was pale, hands shaking, and looked like a caged animal- it was obvious he _wasn't_ alright in any way. And yet, he looked on the verge of panic at having seen Yusuf. 

Had he done something wrong? Was he not supposed to see Nico here? What was going on?

"I'm fine," he stated again, barely looking at Yusuf, trying to make his way through the many chairs and tables of the room. "I just need to- I need to go do something, I'm sorry." 

"Of course," Yusuf said numbly, watching Nico struggle towards the door. If he didn't know any better, he'd say that Nico was trying to get as far away from him as possible. 

That couldn't be right.

Could it?

There he was, pale and shaking, nervous and flighty, and such a different man than the one Yusuf knew so closely, so intimately. Gone was the charming facade, the loving soul, the strong presence he had come to cherish and adore. Here was a man almost scared to death, and attempting to flee. 

What had Yusuf _done?_

"Khaal Yusuf, is Mr. Nico okay?" Nile asked quietly, watching Nico wade through the sea of children at his feet. 

"I don't know, Nile," Yusuf replied, not once taking his eyes off of Nico. "I don't know." 

Before Nile could reply, Nico had made it to the other door, where he had once again frozen, hands clenched and eyes forcibly downcast. It broke Yusuf's heart to not be able to go to him, to talk with him, to hold him like he did when their ghosts came to haunt them at night, like when he felt so full of love for Nico that he simply had to hang on tightly, otherwise he would drown. 

But that was not this man. Yusuf couldn't do anything right now, and it made him want to claw out and fight, made him feel like crying and demanding answers- hadn't he had enough of an upset for today? He didn't think he could handle this. 

Not when all that had kept him sane today was knowing that he wouldn't be alone, that Nico would be by his side, there to support him and listen and love Nile just the same as he did. 

It seemed likely there would be a hollow, hungry gap at his side, a spectre that would remind him daily what he was missing.

What had gone so wrong? Why was Nico doing this? Surely, they could talk about this, they could figure out what was happening. They loved each other, there was no disputing this- what was Nico doing?

Would he come to Yusuf after he recovered? After whatever was going on, would he meet him like usual, somehow appear at his side as if he had never left?

"I-" 

Yusuf's eyes widened at Nico clearing his throat. Nico was rubbing his chest, and then he was looking up at him, his eyes as piercing and mesmerizing as ever.

Nico had always been able to see right through him.

"Yusuf," and were those _tears_ in his eyes? "I am so sorry, Yusuf."

"It's okay, I promise, what is-" 

"No." Nico said firmly, gaze boring into him. "Yusuf. I am sorry. Truly." 

"Nico-" Yusuf could barely organize his thoughts. All he knew was that Nico was trying to get away from him for some reason, and that whatever he was sorry for was _not_ for running to hide right now. Not when he looked at Yusuf like they were the only people in the world, like he was offering his heart in his bloody hands to him, his bared throat to be slit in atonement. 

Nico just smiled sadly at him, "I'm sorry, Yusuf, ya albi." 

And with that, he turned away and went through the door without a glance behind him to where Yusuf was standing, left behind in the settling dust of whatever momentous thing had just happened between them. Left Yusuf so unsure of his place, of their relationship, of everything that had happened today alone. 

What did he apologize for? Why had it felt like Yusuf would never see Nico again, like Nico was apologizing for all that he was about to do? 

Why did Yusuf feel as if he was one step away from breaking down?

"Khaal?" Nile was watching him carefully, eyes wide as she looked from the empty doorway back to him. "Are you okay?" 

Steeling himself, he smiled down at her, patting her shoulder in comfort. "Yes, I'm alright, Nile." He held out his hand for her to grab, pushing all thoughts of Nico and him aside.

He had Nile to take care of, he had to be strong. 

"Are we leaving now?" She asked, already waving to the other children in the classroom who hadn't even noticed Nico interact with Yusuf, hadn't seen his desperate escape.

"Yes," he replied, following her to her cubby with her coat and hat. Someone, though he had a hunch that it was Mr. Booker, had casually placed a small luggage case in front of it, and he had to hold back a watery laugh to see that it was covered in scribbles and tags that the children must have made. 

"We're going home now?" She didn't even bat an eye at that fact she was leaving the orphanage, or that there was an unfamiliar luggage bag in front of her. She just confidently put on her coat and hat and picked the luggage up herself, again taking Yusuf's hand. 

"Yes, we're going home." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS- TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK  
> I'm so excited to hear what you thought of this! Esp bc last week was so arduous and i know a lot of ppl didn't have time/energy to comment which is always fine bc commenting is a GIFT and NOT a requirement <3 :D  
> I love kudos', comments, recs, incoherent screaming, 100 heart emojis in a row, and promises of first born children lmao
> 
> <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote a thing! my brain and eyes are so tired rip, i've been writing this for the last many hours.   
> i hope ppl like it! (it doesn't not explain what Nico is doing/thinking, but the next one will!)  
> this is a lot of joe and nile and family stuff here :) (kinda sad-ish as the end? not related to nile or family tho)

By the end of the first week of Nile and Yusuf's newfound family life, Yusuf felt run ragged. The sudden and abrupt change in his life- he would never regret adopting Nile, there was no other choice, and it felt so right to him- was a lot to handle. Suddenly he had a scared and amazing and loving child to take care of and societal rules and regulations that he had never given a passing thought to before. 

Nile needed clothes, her own bed and furniture, and food she would eat, at the base needs. She needed to get an education, possibly go to school with other children, new identity cards, learn about English society and etiquette, and so much more. His head was a continuous, ever-expanding list of thing after thing after thing. 

He only made it through the week by focusing on the priorities- what they both needed immediately, as well as what would make Nile feel safe and loved.

This meant that after the first night in Yusuf's small rented room, where Nile slept on his bed and he on the floor, they packed up his meager belongings and began searching for a bigger place to live. The good news was that he had always been careful with his money, so it would not be impossible to find a bigger place, but it would mean that he had to refinance and budget for their new lives and all the expenses that came along with it.

He wouldn't change a thing, he'd adopt Nile a thousand times over.

In the meantime, he bought himself a small cot to sleep on, and, after Nile's insistence, they swapped beds every other night to be fair.

She was so much like his sister that his breath would sometimes catch and his heart ached. Her smile, her eyes, her confidence and her assurance of herself. 

She was amazing.

They slept side by side, and he could tell that it made Nile feel safe, to know that he was right there if something happened- the effects of her mother's death echoed through her, through him, their lives.

He slept just as well, knowing Nile was beside him, that he would protect her no matter what happened. He would keep his word until he died, that he would take care of her and make her life full of happiness. 

No matter how off kilter he felt with the abrupt change in his life, Nile had it ten times worse. 

A new land, a new guardian, a new life. Her mother gone, her home gone. 

So when Nile woke up at night crying with nightmares, he was wide awake, shuffling her into his arms and rocking her slowly back and forth, doing all he could to make her feel loved and safe. 

In the mornings, in the days that they were slowly building a routine together, they would talk about their lives and families. Yusuf knew that they both needed to process what had happened, needed to actually learn about each other and their lives. 

Technically, they had the same family, as her mom was his sister, and thus their family tree was almost identical. 

But now _they_ were a family, a family of two together, and each history and life was something to be explored and treasured.

Walking through town, either to show Nile or to do one of the many new errands they needed, Yusuf would share his life with her. Would talk about what growing up with her mother was like, what their parents laughter sounded like, how the sun would feel on his skin during the hot summers. 

How he came over to London for an education, to continue as a scholar, how he both hated and loved the place simultaneously, how nothing here was like home but he had learned to carve his own places in the unseen corners. Talked about his name, as Nile had already started to understand, and how the British bastardize anything they touch- _I won't let that happen to you, I swear._

In turn, Nile shared her own life slowly, still getting used to who he was and not the idea that had been in her head. She described her favorite foods that Amira would make, what games she would play with her friends, who her neighbors were, why she didn't like learning English, what the cat down the road was called, how the festivals looked packed with people, anything and everything on her mind.

_"Have you ever had it? It's tastes **amaaaazzzing!** And you can add honey on top of it, or sometimes you can have meat- I love it sooooo much."_

_"I can tell," he said fondly, content to listen to her babbling forever._

_"Yeah! Me and Saadanah- you don't know here, she's my best friend- would always play this one game, or we'd go and try and find Khafid, the cat, and run around with him or he'd try and get us to give him food, and then we'd have to go down to the neighbor who always helps us feed him, and sometimes Khafid would even let us pet him!"_

He had never felt more homesick than in those moments. 

Some nights, when they were on the cusp of sleep, they would whisper to one another about the hardships they had faced. Nothing was off limits. 

Yusuf learned more about the illness that took his sister, Nile's fear and agony at her death, the fears and insecurities she still held inside her. And she learned the same of him, how scared he was of making Nile unhappy or being unable to care for her, how he had a friend who had suddenly disappeared from his life and he didn't know why or how to fix it, how he also was torn to pieces by Amira's death.

After the first few weeks, life finally felt routine. And his thoughts and worries about Nico that he had pushed off valiantly came rushing back at once, sweeping his feet out from underneath him.

They had never gone this long without seeing one another. Made all the worse by the confusing and messy ending of their last parting.

What had happened? When was Nico coming back?

Was he?

In all the thoughts and insecurities that kept him awake at night, never had this situation even entered his mind. They were normally _What if he leaves? What if I'm not good enough? What if he realizes this is a mistake? What if what if what if-_

Never had it been _What if Nico sees me at an orphanage I've never been to, to pick up my sister's kid because his sister had died, and Nico just happened to be there at the same time?_

And still, there was no word from Nico.

Yusuf left word at the library- he'd never been to Nico's place, he didn't know if he had the card with his address that Nico gave him all that time ago, didn't know if Nico knew he worked at the clocksmith- asking Nico to contact him or visit. Anything. 

No letters and no knocks on the door, no running into each other in the town. 

_I'm sorry, Yusuf, ya albi._

He could only hope that when Nico was ready, he'd come back and explain what was going on. And Yusuf would listen, and he'd be angry because it's not fair for Nico to suddenly disappear like this, not to them or to him. To leave him fractured by the loss of their relationship while having Nile in his life. 

What happened to being there for each other?

Life with Nile was wondrous. Nile also happened to love the library, and though they did not go as often as he had before everything, it was still a frequent destination.

He never looked the librarians in the eye anymore. 

Nile would happily read while he was working, sitting next to him and asking for help pronouncing larger words, or watching him repair watches and the like and ask questions about what he was doing. They would read stories together at night, just before bed time, and in the morning some days they would read the paper together and try and discuss the news. 

Nile frequently did not care for the news.

Honestly, he didn't either. 

Snow melted and the sun felt warmer with each passing day, as spring finally arrived in strength. 

As promised, he and Nile took many trips to the orphanage, Nile enthusiastically chattering and looking at the scenery, Yusuf content to just watch her and smile at how happy she was, how excited about life, how much she reminded him of Amira. 

He had not expected that he would be visiting friends just like Nile was, but somehow, he wasn't actually sure (he blamed 'Booker'), everyone working at the orphanage became his friends, almost his first friends that he truly felt at home with since he had crossed the sea. 

'Booker,' as he had been forced to address him, was the person who first brought him into the fold, when he had brought Nile along that first time. He had welcomed Nile easily, smiling when she hugged him before running off to see her friends. 

_"Call me Booker, if I have to tell you a third time we won't be getting along, hear me Joe?"_

_"If I call you Booker, than you must call me Yusuf," he had bargained._

_"A deal's a deal," Booker chuckled and shook his hand._

He enjoyed the time he spent with Quynh, who was generous with both advice and embarrassing stories. He found a kindred spirit with her, especially when he learned that she too would read anything she could get her hands. 

They trade books each time Yusuf and Nile visit. 

And, with all social etiquette tossed to the side, he loved spending time with Andromache too. Though she was not as casual and easy to talk to like Booker, nor as energetic as Quynh, her stalwart presence was a balm that he had not known he was missing. They did not talk per se, but were happy to sit close and watch the children, play cards, or, in Yusuf's case, sketch while Andy balanced the books for the orphanage or other important duties. 

The only part that Yusuf didn't understand was the complicated looks they sent his way when they thought he wasn't looking. It was the same look that they gave when, after a few visits, he had tentatively inquired about Nico's presence here that fateful day. Though they did not share much, they confirmed that Nico was at least a common sight at the orphanage. 

They looked at him like they knew something he didn't, which he knew was true, but they looked at him like something was irking them, like a pebble was stuck in their shoes that they couldn't dislodge.

He knew that they noticed him trying to figure out the looks, and he was only glad that they were upfront about not talking about certain things, and that he was given the same courtesy. 

_"You will learn when it is important," Andromache had said one day when they were watching the children play outdoors. "Some things require a wait until they can be known."_

_"Do you think the world truly works like that?"_

_She arched an eyebrow. "Are our lives not part of the world?"_

He found himself filling the spaces in his life with Nile. All that he had cast off when he had arrived in London years ago, all he had hidden of his origins- a shallow grave, one he'd never known he would purposefully unearth again- he slowly brought back to himself, integrated back- it would never be the same, he could never go back to who he had been, but that did not mean who he was now was inadequate- in ways he hadn't expected. 

Nile and he would cook dishes that he had long since forgotten, recipes that eluded his mind but his hands moved in familiar patterns. The aromas made him feel like he was back home, like he was sitting down to dinner with his family, like he could look out the window and no longer see the grayness and the dirt, but the bright sun and unfathomable blue sky stretching to infinity. 

Their laughter would fill the space, Nile's giggles mixing with his deeper laugh, they would be covered in whatever ingredients they were using, their smiles wide as they tried their best to make recipes that neither of them confidently knew, and the recipes became their own, became part of what their family meant. 

The only thing that could make it impossibly better would be sharing them with the man he loved. 

It was after almost two months that Yusuf finally reached the end of his patience and knew he had to go find Nico himself. If Nico didn't want to talk to him, he should have considered that beforehand, because he would have no right to be angry when Yusuf found him and _makes_ them talk.

* * *

"Nile, will you be alright this evening? I can still stay here or have Ms. Celeste come over." 

Nile smiles at him exasperatedly. It was the tenth time he had asked her. She hadn't thought that his adventure to find Mr. Nico would mean he would get this worried, but she guessed they had not really spent _that_ much time apart yet. 

But she was brave and he needed to be too. That's what you did on adventures. 

"I'm _fine,_ khaal Yusuf. I'm a big girl, and I know to go to Ms. Celeste if something happens. 'Sides, you have to go find Mr. Nico. That's important." 

He smiles fondly, pressing a kiss to forehead. "Yes, but you come first, Nile. No matter what." 

"Well _I'm_ saying go find Mr. Nico."

He laughs, holding up his hands. "Alright, alright, I'm going, don't worry, I can tell when I'm not needed." He steps back and throws on his coat, looking back once more.

"Bye khaal Yusuf!" She waves cheerily, already pulling out the book she is reading.

"Bye Nile," he laughs once more before he's gone, door closing behind him.

When he steps outside, he double checks the card in his pocket. It's Nico's card, that he was given when they first met, he had almost forgotten about it, had put it down as a lost cause, it wasn't until Nile grabbed one of his books and the card fell out that he had truly remembered. Remembered that it listed his address. 

It had taken the following days to actually commit to trying to visit and attempt a conversation.

The trek to the address goes quickly, whether that is because it is surprisingly close by or because his thoughts are crowding his mind, he couldn't say. 

When he stops at the address, he stands there in confusion. He had thought that Nico lived somewhere more upper-class, maybe in the posher neighborhoods, not in the modest building near the town center on a quiet street. 

He eventually gets a hold of himself and steps to the door to knock. Did Nico truly live here? This was nothing he had expected, it was lovely, of course, but it seemed at odds with what Nico has described.

However, he knows that Nico is a person to let someone believe a falsehood than correct them. Yusuf knows that, he wasn't angry, just slightly baffled. 

It did nothing to settle the knot in his stomach, knowing that he might see Nico in only a few moments, that they have so much to talk about and he has no idea where to start, that he misses Nico fiercely. 

With no response, he knocks again, hoping that someone, the owner of the building, a housekeeper, anyone, would open the door and tell him where Nico lives.

He's startled from his wait when a window on the second floor above him opens loudly, and an elderly woman leans out. 

"If you're waiting for an answer, you can just let yourself in, heaven knows it is late as it is."

It is barely half an hour since the sun set, but Yusuf lets it go. 

"Thank you, madam." He bows slightly. "If I might trouble you, do you happen to know which flat Mr. DeGenova resides in?" 

She laughs bitterly. "You mean the one who seems to have a rotating door to his apartment and seems to know every eligible person in the city?" 

He grimaces. "That would be the one, ma'am." 

She snorts, looking at him once more. Whatever she's looking for, whatever she thinks he's lacking, she seems to make her conclusion with no input from him. "Second floor, first door on the right. Go right in. I hope you start looking in other places, this one is as transient as the wind." 

Gritting his teeth, his bows once more. "Thank you, madam. Have pleasant evening." 

The sounds of a huff and the window slamming shut accompany him opening the door. Again, the inside is modest and well-kept, and he heads to the stairs.

He barely sees the steps below his feet, his mind filled with worry. 

What if Nico is up there and with someone? He knows Nico promised, and he knows Nico keeps his word, but he promised to always be there for Yusuf, and that hadn't held true. 

What did the woman mean about the 'revolving door?' He knows what it means, but he had understood that Nico was no longer like that. Who's word did he trust more? An elderly woman he had never met that dislikes Nico immensely, or Nico, who he has known and loved but now is unsure where they stand?

Nico asked for time, he didn't say how much time, and Yusuf thinks that him waiting for two months without word is his breaking point. Nico's apology had been sincere, but how was Yusuf to know then that it was to cover Nico disappearing off the face of the earth and leaving him grasping at the tatters of their relationship?

Even as these thoughts plague him, he successfully arrives at Nico's flat. Even as he feels like he is raw, like Nico ripped himself from their lives and left him incomplete, he knocks on the door.

_If he opens the door, what do I say?_

_What if I punch him?_

_What if I break down crying?_

_What if he's not here?_

_What if when Nico looks at him, his masks are back in place and he is airy and ephemeral and charming, and his eyes are flat, like we never happened, like we meant nothing- like **I** meant nothing to him?_

His hand shakes as he knocks on the door again, ears straining to hear any noise from within.

Nothing.

_What if he really up and left, walked away and never looked back? What if everything had been false? What if Yusuf never healed from a broken heart, and he would ache in his bones for Nico until he died?_

Shaking his head to disperse his spiraling thoughts, Yusuf knocks one more time and waits. With no answer, he makes a last ditch attempt, and tries the handle.

It's unlocked.

He holds his breath as he pushes the door open. 

Stops and stares, perplexed. 

It's not what he had expected. 

The flat is sparse and tidy, no personal touches, as if no one lives here, as though the flat came as is and was never changed. The walls are grey wood, floor dull and scuffed. The door closes behind him, and he steps into the open area, what looks like a combined kitchen and dining room. There is a smart wooden table with chairs, and a small kitchen with shelving on one of the walls. There are three doors at the other end, and he peeks inside. 

Again, spartan and unremarkable. Two of the rooms are bedrooms with small, single-person beds, utilitarian night tables, and blankets tucked and folded precisely. One of them is different, only in that it has a shelf of books, but again, they are mundane in every sense of the word. 

The final door is to a bathroom, a shower, toilet, and sink packed in tightly, but again, clean and neat.

He goes back to the large room and sits at the table. 

What is going on?

Why are there two bedrooms?

Was this truly where Nico lives- lived?

Yes, Nico had an image he cultivated, hinted at towards Yusuf, but this seems very far from anything he could have expected. When he had envisioned where Nico might live, knowing that most of his character was not a true representative, he had assumed it meant that he lived in an upper-class building and did not have as much wild and casual sex as he had alluded to. He did not expect that Nico lived almost as far from that life as Yusuf himself did. 

Running a hand through his hair, Yusuf takes a deep breath, trying to settle his emotions. 

What on earth was happening?

He feels exhausted down to his bones. He has found no Nico and no answers. All he has to show for this is more questions and wavering faith in their entire relationship. 

All he has is an empty, unlived apartment and the growing weight on his shoulders.

Yusuf runs a hand down his face, taking in the apartment once more.

In front of him, on the table, lays an innocuous envelope. He pulls it closer, admiring the card stock as he flips it over and reads the inscription:

_Yusuf, my love. My life is yours, always._

The ink is a deep blue, the script elegant, and he traces the letters with his fingertip. Wiping the moisture from his eyes, he breaks the seal and begins reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep realizing that when i post on the weekends, it means ppl comment less for some reason. idk, time is an illusion :D  
> feel free to leave a comment, yell, send emojis, smash the kudos button as much as you want, anything! You also never have to feel like you have to, or that u have to immediately. 
> 
> (Did you guys know that you can hit the kudos button over and over, and tho YOU get the 'you already left kudos blah blah,' it shows up to AUTHORS as how many kudos' you left?!?!?!? I'm so happy, I'm gonna abuse this power and just hit kudos so many times now XD )
> 
> anyways! the next chapter is the scene that i first oh so so long ago wrote and was super fucking excited about to show you guys! it's gonna be super cool and i love it and it's gonna hurt but also not and also Nico and Yusuf and aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! GUYS, it's gonna be GREAT <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S HERE!!! THE EXPLANATION WE ARE ALL WAITING FOR!!! :D :D :D :D  
> guys i'm so excited! i rly rly rly hope you like it and it answers a lot of questions you have!!!
> 
> For warnings, it will be sad, and deal with Nico's shitty life history (mention of sickness, non-major character death off-screen, mention of murder, topics relating to the orphanage/orphans, and also a very brief mention of Nico being a sex worker (no trauma, viewed the job as honest work, liked his family of other workers, no shame, etc).
> 
> it will also be happy-ish because he REALLY REALLY REALLY loves Yusuf and bares his heart to him <3 <3 <3 <3

Yusuf, my love,

You have many questions; I will attempt to answer them herein. You deserve that much. 

More, if I am honest.

My name is Nicolo di Genova, and I was born in a small town in Italy, as you may have guessed. My mother was a seamstress, and my father a passing-through Englishman. By the time my mother had found she was with his child, he had already fled back to England. My mother did her best to raise me in our small town; a single mother with a quiet child ensured she could find jobs such as laundry, food prep; and I assigned to stables, taught bookkeeping, and others various labors as I grew.

When I was 11 years of age, sickness swept through the country, devastating all in it's path. The sheer power and enormity was unfathomable. 

We were not spared. 

The sickness took my mother quickly. I continue to debate if that was a blessing or not. I cannot remember her face any longer- to have no face to a name, to a feeling of deep, abiding love; what are we if not our memories? 

I hope that you have not experienced this, yet I curse myself for my fallacies, having seen you that day with Nile, and know you have not been saved from such pain.

Nor has she. 

We are very similar, Nile and I. Memories fading of the faces of those we hold dear, yet the feel of a limpless body in our arms, the heat of the pyres, the ash in the sky, are the recollections that stubbornly remain in their stead.

Yet she is strong, and she has you. This will not break her. I know this truth in my bones. 

Where my mother and I had worked, the lady of the house was a kind woman, and though her livelihood and family had also been painfully ripped away, she listened to my mother's last words.

I was to be sent to my 'father.' This man I had never met, whom I did not _wish_ to meet, but apparently my mother had kept track of him through the years. With only the assurance that I was the spitting image of my mother and had the poise of my father, I was hastily and inelegantly sent off. 

My father was the embodiment of the English, and I, the bastard son, was treated in accordance to my status. I forcibly became 'Nicholas Grant Peterson', in the hopes that people would not know my true origins. I learned to play the part well.

Too well.

The English bastardize all they touch, as you know, my dear.  
  
And I was not spared.

When I was 14 years of age, I killed him. 

I do not regret this, nor did I then. What I did was a necessity, just, and more than he deserved. As you know, however, this does not matter to the law- I was forced to flee the city with nothing to my name, not even that. 

This story keeps extending, and I apologize for not answering the questions that must be burning your tongue, those that are truly important to you. What history we have, impacts our present actions, as you've said. And I divulge my secrets, my history, my tarnished life to you, as a debased sinner in front of that which he knows is holy. 

My love, I regret nothing in my life more than how short our time has been; I treasure nothing more than each of those minutes.

At 16 years of age, I was considered a man by law, and had re-created myself once more. I was Nico di Genova, and London called my name. 

As you might have inferred, I was a sex worker for a few years around this time. I've no shame in that, as it is an honest living and my job was more secure than others I may have labored for. I consider those who I lived and worked with as my family. 

After I left, I did the odd job for a few years, before I became employed under a man named Alfred Percival Thompson, who was a professor of history at Oxford University. 

He is even more English than you are imagining him to be.

At first, I was a butler of sorts, closer to a housekeeper, and over time this evolved into becoming his confidant and attendant. I am not ashamed to admit the man loved me, as a father does, and that I was the happiest I had been since my mother's death. I was content with the life I led, reading his many many books, accompanying him to the university, learning London- as a lover learning all her secrets. You were right, in that I am not the ill-read man I claim to be. I devoured anything I could get my hands on, hungered for knowledge of all types. I learned as many languages as my tongue could pronounce and my heart desired, and roamed the streets at night soaking in the life of all that was around me.

You can most likely predict what happened next. You would be correct.

Alfred died when I was 26 years of age, seven years after I began working for him. His death was less of a shock than what came next- I was but a humble attendant, a confidant many years his younger, and though he loved me as family, I was always unsure of how sincere he was. It seems that uncertainty was meaningless all along.

In his will, he left everything to me. 

His home, his money, his belongings. Everything. 

I, a twice orphaned- if committing murder can be considered as orphaning- Italian man playing at being English, was orphaned a third time. 

And so, Nico DeGenova was born.

Am I even that man? I no longer knew who I was, all I knew was that I had not been Nicolo from that village for many years. Who am I to philosophize on such concepts of the self, when I can no longer differentiate between myself and my masks?  
  
Life is spiteful in that way.

And now, to you, dear Yusuf. 

That day in the library, I was looking for one of Alfred's books (the man never kept his own books, not wanting to be seen as vain), and could not find it in the back shelves. 

And then I saw you. 

You were beautiful. 

In that first glance, I knew I would never be the same. How could I, after having caught a glimpse of you?

I needed to talk with you, to get to know this man, the man who outshone the rest of the world so effortlessly. And what did I know? You had one of Alfred's books at your table, and when I asked, you eviscerated it with your sharp tongue and hatred of the bastard English. 

I was yours, instantly. 

How could I not be?

With each meeting of ours, I became more and more entranced, enraptured, drawn in. With each book read by you, all of my performances in life became harder to maintain and believe, overwhelming and unbearable. When I was with you, I simply existed. With no expectations, no roles to fill, nothing I needed to be, nothing I needed to pretend to be with such skill I always deceive myself. I was as I was:

I was with you. 

I'm so sorry, my love. I was not truthful of my life, and it ate away at me constantly. I was to be a rich socialite who slept with many, without a care in the world. No worries of money, of reputation, hunger. I was to be a vain and flighty man, whose desire for you was to burn brightly and snuff out after a single touch. 

As far as you knew. 

My "days off," I admit, were not to go to balls, clubs, fancy business lunches, horse back riding, or whatever else rich socialites do. My nights were not filled with numerous bed partners, smooth words, heated looks, or flirting and fucking with abandon. 

I have never lied to you. I tried my best to be clear of what I could not tell you, or did such a terrible job of lying that you could tell immediately. 

I have never lied about how much you matter to me, how much I want you in my, how much I love, how much you have changed my hollow, meaningless life.

My life is yours.

As I confess all my secrets to you, I will be upfront with everything. As you may have inferred from this apartment, I am not the womanizing man I have cultivated. When I have had sexual encounters, I can count on one hand how many I have had over the last five years easily. It was not for vacant pleasure, mindless numbing, but a desperate attempt at connection. I wanted to give my love and focus, and I wanted to feel something in return- a small, barely there taste of what real love could be like if I could just _find it._

The last encounter I had, which you may have thought me overplaying, was when I almost screamed your name. 

I don't regret it.

I could never regret anything that led me closer to you.

The house I had been gifted from Alfred; I turned into an orphanage within the first year- yes, that one. I sold most of his belongings for the money necessary to run an orphanage and to pay staff to do so. Staff that became my family as easily as if we had all been waiting for each other to meet. 

What money remained, I used to buy a small apartment, the one we are in right now, and to attain stocks to keep everything afloat. My job became the running of the orphanage, not the day to day needs, as you must know by now that Andromache has skills far exceeding my own, but instead the frivolous jobs that must be done so that the orphanage can function, can be funded, and will continue after my passing. 

This mostly involves balancing finances and the books (a skill I had not lost over the many years) that pertain to myself and how much I can give to orphanage (I give everything, I would give _everything_ to them- Yusuf, if I could, I would take _none of it),_ convincing (and often begging) for funds and charity money from those true socialites and upper-class members, and managing the many upsets that can occur when running an orphanage filled with lost and sick children. My life circled around the orphanage, my family was there, and it grew and shrunk with every child that came through. My family grows and grows and it's extraordinary and humbling and it takes my _breath_ away each time I think of it- _Yusuf_ , it's more than I could have ever dreamed of. If my own gift to this world, if this is all I manage in life- giving lost children that I recognize in the mirror, giving them a home and family; it will have been more than I ever could have wanted). 

To have found this letter, I presume you have gone through the gauntlet of Mrs. Tennyson, to which I applaud your bravery, and I am sure I must correct what slander she has undoubtedly shared with you.

Her most famous point, and the one she is most disgusted with me for, is the people I have coming and going from my apartment at all hours. 

Yusuf, these are the children who grew up and left the orphanage, making their own way in the world. Yusuf, I cry when I think that these kids- these _adults-_ come to me for help, for comfort, for anything they need. Somehow, I managed to become _family_ to them, trusted and cared for. 

I never imagined I would ever experience those emotions again. 

I am theirs, and they are mine. All that I have is theirs, all I am is theirs. 

I shy from the truth that I love them more than myself most days.

I have no more masks to hide behind, to pull on to obscure myself. 

I have fallen in love with you completely, and I know I share my secrets sparingly, and yet you are the one who knows me most. You are the one who knows all the ugly and broken pieces of this farce of a man. You are the one I trust with all the sharp and messy parts of me.

Yusuf, I am yours if I am anything else in this world.

I can never take back the pain of keeping you in the dark, can never undo the resentment that came with both of us knowing I was lying. You must know, my soul called out forcibly, every second I was with you, to just _tell you._ Tell you everything, bare myself to you, let the truth scour me clean. I could say that my secrets were not mine to tell, the orphanage was too important, that you knowing would put everything in risk.

But we'd both know I'd be lying. 

And I promise to never do that to you so long as I live.

I was scared and weak. This is my own doing, and though my history has tethers deep inside me, that is not an excuse for my actions. What history we have, impacts our present actions, but it does not absolve us of our decisions. 

Since the day I fled, I have known I will never be absolved; the blood can never be washed from my hands; the pain I have inflicted on you can never scrubbed from my soul.

My love. 

I did not expect to see you at the orphanage. How could I ever think it possible? The two sides of my life, my roles, my existence, had been carefully and diligently kept separate and hidden from each other. Seeing you there, as beautiful as ever, hair pulled up, back straight, and such nervousness and love on your face- I must admit I froze. I did not know what to do. Should I call out to you? Pretend I did not recognize you? That I wasn't who you thought I was? Run into your arms like I belonged there?

It all happened so _fast,_ you were suddenly in the room, you saw me- what was I to do when both of my worlds suddenly, painfully collided?

To say that I had a legitimate and logical reason for fleeing would be a lie. 

We are very similar, Nile and I; the children and I. Made to grow up too quickly, see horrors no child should, to be ripped away from everything once known. 

No, I ran because I was terrified that if Nile came to rely on me, on _us,_ something would happen to us, and suddenly she would be an orphan again, without support in the world and she would think that what was wrong was _her._ Maybe _she_ wasn't good enough to have a family, to have that type of love.

My tethers are bloody and no matter how hard I try they drag me kicking and screaming back to my past, wrap around my throat and legs, make me feel like I am still that lost, furious child hating the world for all it's taken. 

I ran. I ran because that is the only thing I know how to do, it is all this poor boy ever learned, all this bitter world taught him. I ran from you and Nile like I ran from my country, my crimes, my past. 

This is the last time I run. 

Never again. 

I can never make up for what I have done, the pain I have caused you- the pain I have caused _Nile_ in making my own worst fears actually come to pass; I abandoned her, even though it was what I wanted least in the world. What I did to 'protect' her wounded her. I will spend the rest of my days repenting and proving myself to Nile and to you, my love, if ever you said the word. 

My paradoxical weakness is that I have not gone far at all; I don't think I ever could once we had met.

I'm at the orphanage, which is a cruel irony if there ever was one. Don't be angry at Andromache and everyone, they were _very_ vocal about their displeasure in keeping you from ever knowing. 

I doubt you wish to see me; say the word and you will never have to. Regardless, I have given up my two lives; chosen to take a final bow, step off the stage, and burn the script to ashes. Chosen to finally attempt becoming a whole person.

For the rest of my days, I will be in your debt for giving me the strength to do so; know that this is only possible because of you- in your belief that who I am, cracks and broken edges, deserves to exist at all.

My dear, I hope you have ignored the tear drops and the running ink, and know that I have never been as sincere as I am now. 

Yusuf,

I will love you until my dying breath and beyond. Yusuf, I love you beyond measure and care. I know no pain or sadness in my life because of you. My love, I wish you all the best and more.

My life is yours, always,  
Nicolo di Genova

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys all liked it! i rly hope it made sense of things!!! if i missed something or there's some confusion to some point of his story/history, please lmk or ask bc i rly want to make sure it makes sense and everyone likes it!!! :D <3
> 
> the chapters after this are not planned as well as this one lol, but it will be similar to pride and prejudice, where they each have to stew in their emotions for a bit before they talk and figure it out and live happy ever after! i'm not sure when those will be up, esp bc i wanted to get this one posted earlier and make sure it was good <3 <3
> 
> i appreciate and cherish all kudos' and comments or tumblr messages!!! literally feel free to scream or yell or ask questions or shit talk, i'm always going to reply!! :D :D :D :D

**Author's Note:**

> london address is totally made up  
> i have no clue if this will turn into a chapter fic/sequel, but am listing it as finished for right now until i know more!   
> (i love them like this so much)
> 
> please kudos, comment, or share with friends! it makes me super happy and write more!   
> (also, if u have any ideas where a continuation might go, no promises tho, pls let me know!) 
> 
> <3


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